LIMA, Peru – As you know if you’ve been following my recent posts (or actually physically following me around on my trip, which I’m pretty certain someone has been doing for the past couple weeks), I’m on a quest to revive the revenue-generation potential of the online adult entertainment industry — or at the very least, figure out a way to finagle enough money for a plane ticket home.

My travels have taken me through Mexico and the length of Central America to my current location: Lima, capital of Peru, former home of the Incas, location of the great battle of Ayacucho and well-documented hotbed of ancient extraterrestrial activities. I’m here primarily to continue my research on ways to pump up the perceived value of porn, but also because the tourist bus I fell asleep on eventually stopped here, approximately 14 hours after I woke up.

As I discovered while conducting empirical research on the physical effects of ingesting certain popular but illicit substances produced in the region, some products on the so-called “black market” seem to become more important to their customers with each individual use or application of the product. This is crucial to my research, because if you listen to some psychologists, researchers, academics and pastors, porn shares this “addictive” trait.

My firsthand observations, however, combined with some recent research by a team from Case Western Reserve University, suggest porn might not be as much like addictive drugs as some of its more enthusiastic critics have suggested.

For example, following the first meticulously structured clinical trial I conducted in my Medellin hotel room, it wasn’t a big deal to me when I ran out of the white powdery substance being tested. When my testing supply dwindled to the point I couldn’t scrape up any more of it from the reflective laboratory surface using a highly scientific razor blade, I just lay in bed sweating for a couple hours, only thinking about going to get more of the powder every 90 seconds or so.

After six days of such research, however, my concern for resupply logistics intensified greatly. Soon, I enlisted one of the hotel’s chambermaids to assist in restocking my clinical coke supply. For some reason, after a certain point in the week, crossing the threshold of my hotel room’s doorway seemed extremely imprudent, possibly even physically impossible.

My research ended abruptly when the hotel manager informed me my credit card had been rejected. Obviously that was an error on the bank’s part, or possibly interference being run by shadow government forces who are still unhappy with me for blowing the lid off the international conspiracy to conceal the influence of Reptilians over global coffee prices and the Eagles’ off-season trade for an alleged quarterback who has knees made of paper mâché.

Aside from the obvious difference in price point (online porn is free, while cocaine prices vary wildly from country to country and corner to corner), I’ve discovered several other important differences between the two popular leisure time enhancers.

First, while not all porn causes me to get an erection, so far all cocaine has caused me to never want an erection again, having managed to achieve one while under the influence of said cocaine. Part of the problem is when I get an erection, there’s a certain expectation losing the erection will first involve ejaculation, especially if there’s also porn-watching involved. While masturbating on cocaine during my clinical trials, I became concerned cardiac arrest was more likely imminent than orgasm — a phenomenon that has been documented by other highly credible researchers, as well.

Second, according to my fellow scientists at Case Western, “perceived addiction to internet pornography, but not pornography use itself, is uniquely related to the experience of psychological distress.”

I don’t know if I’m technically a “cocaine addict” as a result of my research (although the fact I’m writing this post six feet off the ground while clinging to the hotel room wall using my overgrown toenails is probably not a good sign). However, I can definitely say I am more distressed at the moment by the thought of running out of cocaine than I am about the hotel’s WiFi being too slow to stream HD porn videos.

Finally, whereas not being able to summon up a gay interracial little person gangbang video to help me fall asleep tonight certainly is a source of some annoyance, I’m pretty sure I won’t find myself in the back seat of a Peruvian taxi sucking off some sketchy small-time mobile vendor in exchange for faster WiFi. On the other hand, I am strongly considering taking such an approach to continuing my painstaking neo-pharmaceutical research.

I must confess, it’s starting to look like my entrepreneurial and scientific research tour of Latin America probably isn’t going to produce the adult-industry-benefitting results I was hoping for. My voyage hasn’t been entirely in vain, however. Somewhere along the line, I appear to have traded my virus-locked smartphone for an authentic alpaca wool sweater!