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By

//Ben Suroeste
0

Porn Is No Longer Written All Over His Face

ANCHORAGE – There was a time when I thought of getting a tattoo as too much of a commitment — sort of like getting married, except more lasting and less regrettable. These days though, with the improved technologies dedicated to tattoo removal, you can undo the decision to get a...
Posted On 21 Jun 2017
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1

‘Panda Porn’: Do Pandas Suffer Erectile Dysfunction?

BERLIN – Leave it to the Germans to find a new use for porn — in this case, one that doesn’t even involve human viewers. Well, to be fair, the Germans got this porn idea from a Chinese fellow, so it’s not fair to pin this entirely on our funky friends in Deutschland. Be that as...
Posted On 16 Jun 2017
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1

‘Presidential Assassination Porn’: A Bridge Too Far?

NEW YORK – There are many things of which we Americans have grown tired over the years, like planking, watching professional athletes do the Nae Nae, endless parodies of/references to the well-trod “Got Milk?” ad campaign and some TV show called “2 Broke Girls” — which may or may...
Posted On 13 Jun 2017
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Politicians + Mischievous Friends = Rogue Porn

PROVIDENCE, R.I. – Since it seems everybody is offering predictions concerning the Trump administration these days (Trump may fire Sean Spicer and/or Jeff Sessions soon, he’ll be impeached any day now, the investigation into Russia will uncover nothing of substance, etc.), so I...
Posted On 12 Jun 2017
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1

Reminder: Porn Isn’t the Only Bad Stuff Online

MOSCOW – About 10 years ago, give or take, I participated in a panel discussion at an adult trade show when a man in the audience got worked up in a way I’ve rarely seen during one of these routine, generally tame Q&A sessions. In the middle of asking a leading question about...
Posted On 06 Jun 2017
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1

Finally, a Sensible Anti-porn Argument: Satan Loves Porn

LOS ANGELES – For years now, I’ve been searching for a truly compelling anti-pornography argument, something that will at last persuade me porn is as evil and morally ruinous as many of its harshest critics say. Along the way, I’ve tried reading scientific papers concerning the...
Posted On 31 May 2017
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1

Can’t A Monk Watch a Little Porn in Peace?

WANG SAPHUNG, Thailand – There are many reasons I’m not a Buddhist monk, chief among them being I like to do a lot of the things Buddhist monks are not supposed to do, like have sex, eat something other than other people’s leftover rice and partake of mind-altering chemicals....
Posted On 26 May 2017
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0

‘Fidget Spinner Porn’ Not What I Was Expecting

MONTREAL – I have something important to say about this new trend of people searching for “fidget spinner porn”: Get off my lawn. For old-timers like me, the word “spinner” already has a well-established meaning in the context of porn. Spinners are petite women, not...
Posted On 25 May 2017
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1

Because Prison Life Doesn’t Suck Enough Already

LINCOLN, Neb. – Every so often, I’ll hear someone refer to a three-year prison term as a “light punishment,” or complain modern prisons are more like country clubs than correctional facilities. When I hear such things, I immediately suspect two things about the speaker: He or she...
Posted On 23 May 2017
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1

Porn Hackers Display Deplorable Lack of Originality

WASHINGTON – Once upon a time back in the 1980s, a hacker took over a digital message board on the campus of a major American university, on which he then proceeded to display a variety of profane, inappropriate, disgusting and, in some cases, quite funny messages. I’ve looked up...
Posted On 17 May 2017
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