By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT

RAY CITY, Ga. – With the publication of the biggest, best, most accurate, most scientific phone survey concerning porn ever conducted has come one revelation more shocking and alarming than all the others combined: 12 percent of youth pastors and 5 percent of other pastors are addicted to pornography.

In light of this horrible, disheartening news, American Christians are asking themselves what should be done about these so-called “men of the cloth” who turn out to be using said cloth mostly to mop up their own ejaculate.

According to The Blaze, “four in 10 Christian adults want them to resign or be fired; only 8 percent of pastors feel the same.”

I can’t decide which is more troubling: the fact only 8 percent of pastors are willing to entertain the idea of firing the morally failed perverts in their midst, or the fact nobody appears to be calling for a truly appropriate and proportional punishment for their grave sins.

It’s very sad for me to learn a bunch of councilwomen from Philadelphia are more attuned to what must be done to punish porn viewers than are my fellow Christians. How can anybody settle for merely firing a “porn pastor,” much less advocate they keep their exalted positions while receiving touchy-feely “counseling” for their willful disregard of God’s law?

To be fair, I don’t know whether the pollsters who collected all this harrowing porn data gave respondents the opportunity to choose a more appropriate punishment for porn pastors, like castration or the cleansing act of immolation. If they did, however, clearly not enough respondents chose correctly for their preferred option to warrant mention in the report.

If it were up to me, we’d castrate and burn these disgusting men — and then, budget permitting, launch their accursed cremains into space rather than permit them to sully our God-given planet by being kept in an urn or spread to the winds hereon.

As noted by Josh McDowell, the Christian apologist who commissioned the study, “Pornography violates all relational values between the individual and self, the individual and society, the unity of our families and our moral fabric and fiber as a nation. When we objectify and demean life by removing the sanctity of the human person, our future is at risk.”

I couldn’t agree with McDowell more strongly, which is why it’s so baffling to me the report doesn’t call for sterner measures to be taken to confront this growing existential threat to the future of mankind.

Think of any book or movie you have read or seen in which there’s an imminent threat to humanity, whether it involves Keanu Reeves, Jeff Goldblum or Judy Moody. Regardless the nature of the threat, the common denominator is the need to take all measures necessary to defeat the enemy, drive back the minions of Satan (and/or Agent Smith) and restore the primacy of God.

If porn threatens our future, which it does, where are the calls to infect porn with a computer virus, or at least kick its filthy butt using hastily learned, slow-motion kung fu?

Where are our leaders, civic and political? Why hasn’t President Obama issued one of those “executive orders” of which he is so fond, calling for the immediate detention and summary execution of pornographers? Can we at least send a couple of Predator drones to the San Fernando Valley to hover in wait for targets of opportunity?

Most of all, though, I’m disappointed in the evangelical community, which seems to be emphasizing a path to “recovery” for porn addicts, rather than a path to a distant, extraterrestrial grave.

I ask you: Where would Christianity be today without the Crusades of centuries past? Nowhere, that’s where.

It may be popular and “politically correct” these days to see the Crusades as a dark time in our history, but from where I sit, it sure seems like we need to initiate a new, modern Crusade — one that will strike directly at the heart of Porn Valley.

Of course, we can’t stop there, because porn is nothing less than the driving force behind a global pandemic of perversion. Once we’ve cleansed California of its porn parasite, we must turn outward, unleashing cadre after cadre of Decency Marines onto the foreign locales that serve as the modern-day Sodom (Amsterdam), Gomorrah (Prague) and Chorazin (Budapest).

Mark my words, people, today we stand at a crossroads — and not the kind where you sell your soul to the Devil in order to become a better blues guitarist.

No, we’re standing at the kind of crossroads where we can choose to do the decent thing, emasculating and incinerating porn-addicted youth pastors, or the timid thing, allowing those same pastors to check into some kind of rehab center, where they’ll doubtlessly just wind up becoming friends with Denis Leary and making new and better coke connections.

Choose wisely America. And always remember: Yes, God loves you, but even His love has its limits … so don’t push it.

Abigail Cuthbert is the president and co-founder of the Ray City, Georgia, Chapter of FRUITCAKE, the anti-porn organization formerly known as NUTJOB.