By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT

RAY CITY, Ga. – Howdy y’all. Abigail Cuthbert here again, co-founder and president of the Ray City, Ga., chapter of the organization Free Righteous United Intelligent Trustworthy Caring Americans Killing Exploitation (FRUITCAKE), formerly known as the National Unitarian Temple for Justice Optimism and Brotherhood (NUTJOB).

As you might imagine, I’ve been following with great interest the ongoing travesty in Pennsylvania in which a bunch of morally bankrupt men in positions of power have yet to be properly and sufficiently punished for the crime against humanity of sending, receiving and quite possibly enjoying emails filled with pornography, racist language and (most likely) strong indications one or more of them might be atheist.

I absolutely applaud the collective call from Philadelphia’s councilwomen to “terminate” assistant district attorneys Frank Fina, Marc Costanzo and Patrick Blessington, because simply firing these men is not sufficient.

In order for justice to be served, dignity restored and seriously pissed-off Philadelphia councilwomen to be placated, these awful, filthy men must be systematically murdered by a time-traveling cyborg from the future. Preferably, this killer android should look exactly like a certain former governor of California (Ronald Reagan, obviously).

Some might think it harsh for a civil servant to be shot into small pieces by a futuristic, quasi-robotic assassin over the emailed exchange of pornography and highly inappropriate humor, but when you consider how dangerous porn is, I believe in this case the punishment would fit the crime.

The position of prosecutorial power enjoyed by this triumvirate of trash makes it all the more important they suffer the most severe punishment available under the law — and not just current law, but the law of the mechanical overlords who will eventually take over our world. (Presumably, hopefully, these future statutes will include a total ban on depictions of the human form, naked or otherwise.)

As a devout evangelical Christian, I’m not personally concerned about the day machines take over the world, because I’ll be safely ensconced in heaven along with the rest of the faithful long before that day comes.

In the meantime, though, I’ll take any help I can get from time traveling, mechanical Decency Warriors who might be inclined to eradicate the life force of the sort of sick-minded men who would trade pornography in the workplace — or trade and traffic in porn in any other context, for that matter.

In other words, I believe what this country needs is a rigorous “porn purge,” one that goes far beyond the Pennsylvania government.

Porn, in essence, is an aggressively predatory weed, one that serves to stifle the growth of every living thing in its vicinity, from roses and daffodils to masculinity and the human brain. What we need now, more than ever before, is a walking, shooting, catchphrase-uttering, bodybuilder-size bottle of Roundup to beam into our century and treat every porn-watching man on the planet like his own personal Sarah Connor.

It’s tempting to think simply by eliminating men who regularly watch porn, or who are severely addicted to it, we could spare others who might merely dip a toe in the shallow end of the perversion pool, but the truth is this porn purge needs to cut deeper. It’s not enough to get rid of men who actively enjoy porn. We need to be rid of all those who have ever gazed upon a single frame of smut.

Why? Because some things cannot be unseen, and clearly porn is one of those things.

From the moment little Johnny streams his first SmutNucleus video, he is irrevocably headed down the Road to Moral Ruin — probably with more than a few pit stops at a Circle K of Carnal Corruption along the way.

Don’t get me wrong — I do believe in redemption, forgiveness, tolerance, atonement and other well-established Christian principles. I just also think porn’s harmful effect on the human brain to be so profound that, to be on the safe side, we should preemptively treat porn viewers like horror-movie zombies and put a few extra rounds into the back of their heads even after their limbs have stopped moving, just in case.

So please, friends, join me in supporting the clarion call for the immediate termination (with extreme prejudice) not just of these three Keystone State monsters in cheap suits, but of all porno-watching men across the nation — and, eventually, around the world.

With a little luck, a dash of due diligence and the eager assistance of a sentient machine without pity, remorse or fear, we can restore decency to our world — or, at the very least, to the general vicinity of Harrisburg, Pa.

Abigail Cuthbert is the president and co-founder of the Ray City, Ga., chapter of FRUITCAKE, the anti-porn organization formerly known as NUTJOB.