By God Almighty,
Special to YNOT

NEW JERUSALEM – Hey everybody, God Almighty here, your Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be My name and all that. Don’t worry, this isn’t the End of Days — just a long-overdue memo from the Man Upstairs. There’s still plenty of time to repent, declare my kid your Lord and Savior, confess your sins, buy a gold necklace with a cross on it, etc.

I realize it’s been quite a while since I last addressed the public en masse, but you know how it goes when you’re the Lord. One fine afternoon, you wrap up a minor little six-day project like creating the entire damn universe, opt to take just a couple of days off and before you know it, several millennia have passed and the carefully considered instructions for living you left behind have become all twisted by a bunch of semi-literate, televised jerkoffs who tend to really draw out their vowels when they speak.

At any rate, as this is an adult industry publication, obviously I’m not here today to discuss big-picture things like how to be a good Christian, whether or not I ever really said people shouldn’t eat shellfish (it’s not as though you’d stop doing so if I said yes, anyway) or why I was such a dick to poor old Job for what seems, in retrospect, like no good reason.

I’m just here to clarify one thing: Contrary to what you might have heard, my love for you people does have its limits.

Yeah, yeah, I know: your pastor or priest or mother or some fuzzy-looking, possibly homeless guy who spent his afternoons handing out scripture-laden leaflets on the quad at your alma mater fed you some line like “God is love” or “God’s love is unconditional” or “the Lord forgives all.”

First off, if you could go back and read the transcripts of the early press conferences given by my duly designated earthly representatives in the languages they actually spoke, you’d see they never said anything of the sort. If anything, back then my PR people were far more likely to focus on the more judgmental and punishing aspects of my personality, including the many, many things I find “abominable” (which, for the record, does not include snowmen).

Despite clear scriptural evidence to the contrary, the idea I’m some hippie softie who loves simply everybody somehow remains a persistent notion to this day. To hear some folks tell it, if that sandwich-pimping pedophile Jared were to come crying to me about how sorry he is, even he’d be given the official “all’s forgiven” and a key card to the Pearly Gates.

Let’s be perfectly clear: the chances of that sick fuck becoming one of my heavenly tenants couldn’t be fatter if he had ordered nothing but a dozen foot-long meatball subs with extra cheese for breakfast, lunch and dinner every day for the past 25 years.

Anyway, I also want to be clear about my opinion of porn because, although I once liked to think you dimwits could take a hint from my previous comments about the various kinds of nakedness you shouldn’t “uncover” and to whom said nakedness belongs, evidently this was too subtle for many of you.

My stance on porn is probably a little more nuanced than you might expect, though, because I actually don’t favor its censorship or banning.

I’m sure the above revelation comes as a shock to a lot of preachers, pastors, social conservatives, mullahs and “family values” types, but in case you hadn’t noticed, I actually permit a whole lot of clearly evil shit to go down in your world every day.

Listen, folks, I’m freaking omnipotent, not to mention omniscient and just plain badass on a level and scale you mere mortals will just never fully understand. Frankly, the only reason I’m said to “work in mysterious ways” is because you fuckers are just too stupid to ever comprehend what I’m up to at any given moment.

You don’t think if I wanted to, I couldn’t strike down every pornographer on the planet while simultaneously wiping every piece of media to which porn has been recorded? Of course I could, but to do so would be to remove one of my most important litmus tests for the character of human beings.

As one of the more clever humans I ever created once wrote, “I cannot praise a fugitive and cloistered virtue, unexercised and unbreathed, that never sallies out and sees her adversary, but slinks out of the race, where that immortal garland is to be run for, not without dust and heat.”

Since you’re stupid to begin with, and only more so now that you’ve sullied your brain with so much pornography, I’ll translate this for you: Being good doesn’t mean much if you’ve never been tempted to be anything other than good.

Seriously people, if all you do is sit on the couch sharing inspirational stories about Christ’s love on Facebook and reading the Bible between opportunities to help old ladies cross the street you won’t get any brownie points or gold stars from me because, in the spiritual contest for mortal souls, you’re really nothing but a bench-riding scrub.

The bottom line is, if you want the Great Coach in the Sky to recruit you as a future player in his heavenly program, first you have to lace ’em up and get into the goddamn game down there on Earth. If you’ve never been tested on the battlefield of sin and temptation, then I don’t know if I can count on you in perseverance “crunch time,” like when you’re a married man on a business trip and the hottest chick you’ve ever seen offers to go back to your room to blow you, no strings attached.

In other words, I created people like Larry Flynt for a reason — and it wasn’t so hopelessly stoned Hollywood dipshits could portray them in reverential biopics. I created porn and pornographers to test the decency of my followers and their ability to adhere to my rules.

I have no doubt Seth Taylor from XXX Church means well when he tells people watching porn doesn’t result in my permanent disapproval, and he’s right to the extent I’ll give you a pass on the occasional drunken, midnight web porn binge — so long as you feel really bad about it right after you ejaculate.

Seth takes this reassurance too far in his post, though, especially when he emphatically claims “nothing can separate you from the love of Christ. Nothing.” (A bit of optimism you’d recognize as coming from Romans, if you ever read your Bible, which you don’t.)

“How would you ever discover this if you didn’t have to occasionally look up from your pig-pen?” Seth continues. “We can actually find joy when we discover that any illusion that God ever disapproved of us or ‘hated’ us was just that: an illusion/lie whispered in our ear by our ego and the nasty energies that feed it.”

Nice try, pal, but when I say something is “abhorrent” to me, or “an abomination,” I mean it.

Whether it’s hands that shed innocent blood, witches and necromancers, improperly balanced scales, or the deeds of the motherfucking Nicolaitans (who, I feel compelled to reiterate, I fucking hate), there’s plenty of shit out there in human land I just can’t stand.

Again, if your porn sin amounts to occasionally stroking it to pictures in the Victoria Secret catalog, I’m probably not going to throw the Good Book at you over such a transgression. If you’re sitting around jacking off to Rob Black and Max Hardcore, on the other hand, then believe you me, they’re warming up a nice little spot in Hell for you as I write this.

Look, if you don’t believe in me, or have chosen some false faith, or you’re in Congress, watch all the porn you want. Leave your living room looking like Jackson Pollack came through the place with a spray gun loaded with Elmer’s glue for all I care – just don’t act like you had no idea damnation was coming once I’ve sent you packing to Satan’s place.

I hope this post serves to settle at least one aspect of the ongoing human debate about my true nature. Check back on this space in the year 8427 CE, when I’ll answer the question: “What’s up with Deuteronomy 25:11-12? Should we really show her no pity?”

God Almighty is the maker of heaven and earth, and of all things visible and invisible.