LAS VEGAS – In the long and storied history of erotic art, perhaps nothing has ever been more arousing to me than the notion of a sexually-charged exhibit featuring smutty depictions of Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump. Add in a little golden shower imagery and you have the perfect eroto-political trifecta.
Alas, for all the Trump/Putin love memes peppering the internet, to my knowledge no erotic artist has honored this historic international bromance with a proper museum exhibit — until now, that is.
Yes, happily, one of the sexiest places on earth, the Erotic Heritage Museum (EHM) in Las Vegas, finallyhas brought my most cherished homoerotic fantasy to tremendous, shining life.
“Our political parody exhibit now has Trump talking smack with Putin in the background with two girls peeing on them,” Museum Director Dr. Victoria Hartmann said. “Well, it’s actually water droplets from the ceiling. Still…”
While I’m thrilled to hear someone finally has paid a fitting tribute to the virile super-studs currently at the helm of the world’s two greatest global superpowers, I must admit the EHM’s announcement disappoints me in several significant ways.
First and foremost, Trump and Putin aren’t being feted with a dedicated exhibition of their own. Instead, the pair were merely added to an existing Monica Lewinsky scandal exhibit. This sort of sidebar display cannot help failing to adequately emphasize the manifest greatness, hugeness and unpresidented nature of their amorous relationship.
Second, while I certainly understand not using real urine in the display (out of compassion for the EHM janitorial crew, if nothing else), the use of plain water droplets strikes me as lacking panache, as well as being thematically disconnected from the rest of the display. I would like for the EHM to have shown greater creativity in this area. How about having the girls release a gentle, continuous spritz of lemon-flavored vodka, for example?
My other complaint stems not from the display itself (which, to be fair, I haven’t seen), but from the portion of Hartmann’s statement about the exhibit’s meaning and purpose.
“We use these exhibits to illustrate how people in power use sexuality as a means by which to control the masses and how we at the museum expose these hypocrisies,” Hartmann said.
Simply put, this is not a proper treatment of the tender-but-nasty affections shared between Messrs. Trump and Putin.
These are men of great power, extreme wealth and highly nuanced, sophisticated sexual fetishes. They don’t “use sexuality as a means by which to control the masses.” They use sexuality as a diplomatic bridge between their oft-opposed nations.
When Trump gives Putin a rhetorical handjob by praising the Russian’s leadership skills, the compliment isn’t inspired by a desire to keep the masses in line. More likely, it’s offered because Trump recently forgot some sort of important anniversary dear to Vlad’s heart, like his brave, selfless and virtuous annexation of Crimea. This sort of snub might lead Vlad to give Don the silent treatment, or threaten to release one of the (presumably numerous) sex tapes they’ve made together over the years. In other words, at this point Trump’s palliative romantic overtures to Putin aren’t just about wanting to get laid the next time he takes a trip to Moscow. They’re also an important facet of our national security.
Similarly, when Putin compliments Trump’s intelligence, this isn’t some nefarious ‘reverse psychology’ approach designed to increase Americans’ trust in Trump and by association their trust of Putin. It’s just the classic approach of any horny guy trying to get into someone’s expensive, well-tailored pants by buttering up his quarry a bit. If along the way, a few sanctions get lifted, or Russian oil finds a new market in a previously-embargoed jurisdiction, that’s just more (possibly urine-flavored?) icing on the international diplomacy cake.
At any rate, I don’t mean to rain on the EHM’s parade too much here, and perhaps my criticisms amount to nothing more than nitpicking. I won’t know for sure until I’ve had the chance to drink in the exhibit with my own two eyes. And believe me, despite the small disappointments I’ve fingered above, I’m still itching to see this display in its golden glory — whole, and in its entirety.
Image: Official White House portrait of 45th U.S. President Donald J. Trump, left. Russian President (second and fourth) Vladimir Putin, right, photo by the Kremlin.