MONTREAL – Ever since the early days of BBS posting, newsgroup browsing and lying about one’s income over IRC, the internet has been a great way to share yourself with the world. Whether with videos of cats, pictures of penises or the numbers on their mothers’ credit cards, modern web users have embraced sharing in a way that would make their kindergarten teachers proud.

Thanks to the marketing wizards at BrainGunk, now young porn fans have the exciting opportunity to share something that may not have occurred to them otherwise: The details of their college transcript.

As part of a contest hosted by Smutty4Good, the community service branch of BrainGunk’s flagship site SmutNucleus, college students are encouraged to enter a contest by submitting essays and/or videos in which they describe what they do to make the world a better place. The winner will receive not only a free lifetime membership to SmutNucleus Plus and a snazzy BrainGunk T-shirt, but also $25,000 to apply toward their education.

Since the contest is open only to students who have maintained a GPA of 3.2 or better, SmutNucleus requires contestants to upload copies of their college transcripts in addition to their essays and videos. While the ostensible reason for requesting the transcripts is to ensure the eligibility of the applicant, BrainGunk co-founder Khaled “Bobo” Wasem said “in the true SmutNucleus spirit of indiscriminately publishing any fool thing people upload to the site,” contestants’ transcripts will be offered right alongside their contest entries.

“To some people, this might seem like a violation of privacy,” Wasem said, “but I’ve spent enough time around millennials to know they really don’t give a shit about privacy, even if it’s their own. These people want street cred, they want social media ‘likes,’ they want video views, tweets and retweets — and they really want to have $25,000 less in student debt hanging over their head when they finally drop out of college and take whatever shitty service job they can find in this terrible economy.”

According to one of the leading uploaders on SmutNucleus, HornyHugh82, college transcripts also make for “surprisingly arousing reading.”

“When I read a transcript from a girl who has Women’s Studies 204 literally sandwiched between Anatomy 301 and Media Arts 210, my mind just starts racing,” explained HornyHugh82. “I picture her with dark, thick-rimmed glasses, just a little extra flesh around her midriff and some seriously repressed kinky fantasies that are just burning to come out — despite her being subjected to a steady diet of political correctness, Andrea Dworkin and stupid ‘deconstructive’ arguments pertaining to the implicit patriarchy and misogyny one finds in the films of Sam Peckinpah.”

“In the true SmutNucleus spirit of indiscriminately publishing any fool thing people upload to the site, contestants’ transcripts will be offered right alongside their contest entries.”
—BrainGunk co-founder Khaled “Bobo” Wasem

Tori Farley, a neo-feminist scholar and adjunct professor of Cultural Acceptability at the Prim College of Austerity in Provo, Utah, said she finds the SmutNucleus tuition contest to be “the most vile, reprehensible and offensive-to-women endeavor since the cancellation of The Man Show.”

“At a time when they know young people are desperate for any assistance they can find to pay their way through college, asking them to make a porn movie as part of a contest is simply disgusting, exploitative, fascist, oppressive, draconian, stultifying and just about every other negative, multisyllabic word I can’t call to mind at the moment,” Farley said. “It’s exactly the same thing Hitler did. Well, not exactly the same, I suppose, but close enough I feel totally justified in playing the Nazi Card here.”

After it was pointed out students can simply write an essay to enter the contest, and there’s no indication they need to have sex on camera at all to win the grand prize, Farley still wouldn’t budge from her position.

“When it comes to criticizing pornography and the porn industry, it really doesn’t matter what the truth is or whether anything bad critics like me say about porn has any validity whatsoever,” Farley said.

“We absolutely know porn is incredibly dangerous and fundamentally corruptive,” she explained. “We know this for a fact — the kind of fact you find in the Bible, which means it doesn’t need to be supported by so-called ‘evidence.’ So, even if we have to murder, dismember and incinerate every last porn-watching male chauvinist on the face of the planet, it will be a small price to pay to protect children, including college-aged children, as well as all those middle-aged women out there who have been manipulated into reading Forty-Seven Shades of Magenta, or whatever that filthy porno book is called.”

Wasem said he’s unmoved by the complaints from feminists, and said the notion his company promotes misogyny and the degradation of women is “completely absurd.”

“Nothing could be further from the truth,” Wasem said. “At BrainGunk, we love women and would never do or say anything to degrade or stereotype them, whether the highly respected woman in question is a petite and subservient Asian slut, a delicious chocolate soul sistah with a massive badonkadonk, or some dumb blonde bimbo who can’t get enough of having big, stiff cocks jammed into all three of her filthy whore-holes.”