CANBERRA, Australia – Forget about Watergate; never mind the Iran-Contra affair; stand aside Russian election-meddling fake news. The real governmental scandal is taking place Down Under –- where women reportedly glow and men allegedly plunder.

It was bad enough when the only misdeed of which Roman Quaedvlieg, the head of Australia’s Department of Immigration and Border Protection (DIBP), stood accused was using his position of influence to get his girlfriend a job at the airport, but now the man is suspected of liking porn on Twitter.

Clearly, this sort of heinous crime cannot be tolerated, ignored or merely chuckled at on social media. No, this sort of high crime must be addressed with all the alacrity and urgency Australia can muster.

In fairness to Quaedvlieg, it’s not easy being someone with an obvious typo for a last name. Plus, it’s also true other members of the DIBP staff have access to the department’s official Twitter account.

The fact Quaedvlieg isn’t the only suspect has complicated the investigation, of course, and thus far every Aussie of interest is denying any knowledge or responsibility.

“In regard to the Twitter account, Senator, the department is looking and still investigating the matter of the use of the account,” DIBP official Cheryl-Anne Moy said while being grilled by members of the Australian Senate. “The account is now locked down. The matter you refer to, in regard to a particular like, we are unable to identify at this stage the user of the account at that time or whether in fact it was an official user.”

Oh, cut the song-and-dance crap, Ms. Moy. Let’s just call the whole thing a seven-person Twitter conspiracy and hang them all in the town square. It’s no less than they deserve, the porn-liking (or at the very least, accessory-to-porn-liking) bastards.

On the bright side, Moy did report the DIPB recognizes the severity of the situation and isn’t taking this porn-liking lying down — or relying strictly on its own internal investigation to get to the bottom of things.

“It’s an investigation that is not necessarily something we can do ourselves, so we have engaged ACLEI [Australian Commission for Law Enforcement Integrity] and we are also talking to Twitter,” Moy said. “I’m not aware of who the actual user was at the time.”

As for the video liked by the @ABFComm account, reportedly it was a black-and-white video snippet shared by one LadyMystique_01, and it included the scandalous tag line “I think your cock likes me.”

Adding more mystery to the investigation, it’s not clear whose cock Lady Mystique was addressing at the time. (Given their long-term and very close relationship though, my offhand guess is she was talking about Magneto’s cock.)

Lady Mystique also describes herself as “sensational,” “wild and free” and with the abbreviation “NSFW,” which in this context I believe stands for Not Safe For Wallabies.

Sadly, Australia’s top politician, Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull, isn’t a strong leader like U.S.President Donald Trump, so he hasn’t tweeted anything about the DIBP needing to fire any son of a bitch who likes porn on Twitter.

What did Turnbull tweet about on July 16, the day Quaedvlieg may have inexcusably and inexplicably liked porn, you ask? He retweeted a photo of himself standing around with a bunch of kids in skimpy swimsuits –- an image which might go a long way to explaining Turnbull’s silence on Quaedvlieg’s alleged affection for Lady Mystique’s videos, come to think of it.

For the time being, Quaedvlieg remains on paid leave pending the outcome of the ACLEI investigation. No word yet on whether he intends to follow the advice of certain Australian working men by running, taking cover or eating vegemite sandwiches.

Image © mark niles