SALT LAKE CITY – In a move clearly calculated to allow reporters to address several current porn-related news stories in a single article, state lawmakers in Utah have authored a new bill that would establish a reality-TV-based contest to find someone capable of authoring software to filter out professional gamers who are sponsored by adult entertainment companies.
“These porn-gamers, many of them not even Americans, are invading the homes and businesses of Utah with the help of irresponsible allies,” said Utah State Sen. Ted Weltsonkoch, the bill’s primary sponsor. “These allies include corporate collaborators, like internet service providers, printing companies that make t-shirts and business cards, and the broadcasting companies that televise video-game tournaments, as well as individual sympathizers, including each and every one of my future electoral opponents, whoever they may be.”
Under the new bill, the “Preventing Porn Gamers from Destroying the Great State of Utah with Their Disgusting Filth Act,” within 90 days of passage funding will begin flowing to a committee that will select the contestants and set the rules for the televised contest, which is tentatively scheduled to air in early 2017.
The number of episodes and other details are still to be determined but Weltsonkoch said the bottom line is, at the end of the show’s run, Utah will have selected “the most qualified candidate to do this important coding,” using a method “rapidly becoming the nationwide standard” for awarding bids to government contractors.
“A lot of people don’t realize how often the medium of reality television is being called upon as part of the government contract process these days,” Weltsonkoch said. “For example, of the $563.4 billion in funds allocated by the U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services in 2015, over $113 billion went toward maintaining Padma Lakshmi’s wardrobe alone.”
Not surprisingly, porn-sponsored gamers and their smut-slinging backers are outraged by the proposed legislation.
“Dude, fuck Utah — for real,” said Vagmeister, one of the top players on the SmutNucleus-sponsored TeamSN. “The only thing that state is good for is being a model for the desolate, nuked-flat backdrop in a post-apocalyptic RPFPS.”
Vagmeister’s Teammate, Alley Brawler 7 specialist BruneiBro, went one further, saying given the opportunity, he’d like to “drop kick Weltsonkoch into the Lake of Fire on the Bridge Battle stage.”
“Seriously, if I had my retractable laser-claws in real life, I’d rip that motherfucker from taint to sternum and eat his beating heart right in front of his children,” said BruneiBro. “Hang on a sec, dude… I’ll be down in a minute, Mom! I’m on the phone doing a very important phone interview, so just back off, OK? God dammit!”
Nicklaus Nosferatu, director of public relations for SmutNucleus parent company MindGunk, was slightly more diplomatic but no less disappointed by the proposed legislation.
“We knew it wouldn’t be easy to gain acceptance as sponsors for gaming teams, just because so many people still think of video gaming as something only kids do. In reality it’s increasingly something sad, lonely, socially-inept men under 50 who will never get laid do,” Nosferatu said. “Obviously, this same demographic forms the core of the SmutNucleus user base, making professional gaming events an attractive advertising venue for us.”
Nosferatu said despite the inflammatory name of the new legislation, pornographers like him are not out to “destroy” the state of Utah.
“Honestly, I’m betting 90 percent of my staff couldn’t find Utah on a map, even if the map had the names of the individual states printed right on them,” Nosferatu said. “Of course, 90 percent of my staff are Ukraine-based uploaders who can’t read English in the first place, so this really should come as no surprise.”
Dr. Gail Dense, an academic, feminist, anti-porn activist, author, filmmaker and expert on which kids of sex are (and aren’t) healthy, normal and socially acceptable, applauded Weltsonkoch’s new bill, calling it “brave, compassionate, enlightened, practical and urgently needed legislation.”
“Sen. Weltsonkoch knows our society is standing at a moral crossroads,” Dense said. “Go down one road, and you’ll find nothing but ruin, widespread disease, rampant capitalism, oppressive misogyny and young men who have become desensitized to violence by the horrible games they play and vicious porn they watch. Go down the other fork in the road, of course, and you’ll find the Devil. This might sound like a bad thing, too, but it’s a well-documented fact all the Devil does to you if you choose to walk down his road is make you into a really badass blues guitarist.”
