SAN FRANCISCO – In response to a high-profile grassroots billboard campaign, the San Francisco Police Dept. is now reportedly on the lookout for “murderous pornography, lethal smut and extremely hazardous erotica.”
SFPD spokesperson Nancy Spinelli said while the department appreciates the efforts made by activists to warn Bay Area residents about the presence of deadly porno in their midst, people should rely upon the police to deal with the situation rather than take direct action on their own.
“Citizens are strongly cautioned not to attempt to detain or otherwise confront porn on their own,” Spinelli said. “If you see porn behaving suspiciously and you believe an attack is imminent, call 911. If you have tips or other information to provide, please call our Killer Porn Task Force hotline at 555-PORN-COP.”
“Based on the information we have received, the suspect’s primary target is love, and as the city that once famously played host to an entire summer dedicated to love, it’s no surprise he’s chosen the Bay Area as his hunting ground,” Spinelli said. “According to a profile prepared by our experts, porn also is likely to be highly paranoid, have issues with women and possibly severe claustrophobia as a result of being stored in sock drawers during his early, formative years.”
While the situation clearly is serious, Spinelli said there’s no reason for residents of the city by the bay to panic, cancel their internet service or throw away any old skin-mags they might have stashed in their homes.
“It’s not yet clear how mortal the danger from porn really is with respect to potential human victims,” Spinelli said. “For the moment, the case has been assigned to Deputy Chief Tom Garreth, the head of the SFPD Special Operations Division. If it turns out the danger of porn has been overstated, however, the investigation will be reassigned to Deputy Chief Bob Lee of the Not-So-Special Operations Division.”
Famous criminalist and former homicide detective Alec Cross said he’s “very skeptical about the prospect of killer porn stalking the streets of San Francisco.”
“The evidence of any true love having been killed by porn is tenuous, speculative and anecdotal, at best,” Cross said. “As any good Hollywood detective knows, all serial killers are clever, ingenious and capable of complex planning, whereas porn is generally lacking in originality, has the all complexity of a single-cell organism and — arguably most importantly — has never been portrayed on-screen by Kevin Spacey.”
Cross also said he’s “not sure what, if any, sort of forensic evidence the SFPD has collected,” let alone whether it has been looked at closely by William Petersen or David Caruso.
“Frankly, this all sounds like the implausible plot of a really bad episode of The X-Files,” Cross said, “one written and directed by David Duchovny, obviously.”
One resident of the area who disagrees with Cross is Kelly Klingenhoffer, a Certified New Age Accountant and avant garde performance artist who maintains a home office-studio in the Cole Valley area. She said she’s personally witnessed something she believes to be porn “stalking and harassing” pedestrians, motorists and other passersby.
“At first I thought it was just a Houseless American seeking reasonable financial support from his fellow San Franciscans, but then I noticed he was wearing a trench coat, but no pants underneath,” Kligenhoffer said. “Plus, he appeared to brandish his testicles at a passing bike messenger, and I don’t think it was done in homage to Michael Jackson.”
Spinelli said while the SFPD believes its psychological profile of the suspect, a solid physical description has been hard to come by thus far.
“While our profile suggests porn to be an obese white male in his mid-40’s, we have received eyewitness accounts that run the gamut from transgender Latino to petite Asian female — so at this point we’re not exactly sure who we’re dealing with or how to advise the public on positively identifying the suspect,” she said.
To aid police in tracking down the killer porn, San Francisco native and famous film director turned local restaurateur Francis Chevrolet Copafila has established an award encouraging people to come forward with information: Dinner with the director at his popular Café’ Zoopraxiscope at a full 7 percent off the menu price.
“I love my home by the bay, and I’m not going to allow some sleazy, pornographic serial killer to terrorize my fellow San Franciscans, even if it means eating dinner with one of them and covering a third of the tip,” Copafila said. “It’s a big sacrifice, sure, but it might also be literally the least I can do.”
