NEW YORK – In response to a recent Cosmopolitan article in which 19 different members of the extended Kardashian reality-television family expressed their opinions about pornography, nine of the porn industry’s hottest stars, directors and producers have responded in kind, giving their valuable perspective on the current state of mainstream Hollywood entertainment.
Mina Pause, performer: I think just like anything else, there’s a time and place for talking cartoon fish, so long as people consume them in moderation. The problem is, a lot of people let their kids watch movies over and over with no supervision and then those kids go out in public and repeat all the catchphrases and one-liners again and again, and it stops being cute really quick. If I have to hear one more kid sing something from Frozen, for example, with God as my witness, I’m going to set Disneyland on fire.
Scotty Stiff, performer: I really liked the one movie — you know, the one with the old CIA dude whose daughter gets kidnapped by Krull, but then some Sith comes along and murders all the young Jedi students, so he has to fight Batman, because Bruce Wayne is a pussy and won’t do what it takes to make sure the plan comes together, so Aslan has no choice but to eat him. I think it’s called Love Gangs of Rob Roy II: Schindler’s Next of Kin.
CV Joint Norelco, director: As a director, I mostly watch mainstream movies to get ideas I can incorporate into my own work, whether it’s lighting technique, camera angles or even just a mood or feel I want to communicate in a pornographic context. For example, in my new film OMG I’m Being DP’d By Two BFGs, the inspiration for the shot where we extreme-gape Oxy Gin’s butthole using a speculum was the classic “beginning of a beautiful friendship” closing scene from Casablanca.
Evan Polyurethane, performer: I love mainstream movies! You know what I love about hotels? If you watch something really embarrassing you wouldn’t want your friends to know you watched, like something from the Twilight series, they don’t put the name of the movie on your bill, so you can tell people you were watching porn and the only way they’d know you’re lying is if they look at the amount of the charge, because porn is like twice as expensive on hotel pay per view as regular movies, even though they usually edit out the cumshots, which I must say is a pretty disappointing thing to find out firsthand.
Harmony Fugue, performer: I’m in a few mainstream movies, actually. Of course, I appeared under a different name than I use in porn and the characters are usually credited as something like “Bleeding Woman in Walmart Parking Lot” or “Hysterical Grocery Shopper Number 3” or “Zombie Hooker With One Leg,” but the experience still gave me valuable insight into the fact the only guys more perverted, slimy and disgusting than porn directors are mainstream directors.
Esteban Harsch, Owner/CEO, GARISH Entertainment: It’s very, very important for people in the porn industry to be aware of trends and fads in mainstream entertainment. Otherwise, by the time you find out an actor or actress has done or said something really, really embarrassing and dumb, they might have already been offered a job by another porn studio.
James “Battle Bot” Koppenfeeler, former performer, current resident of High Desert State Prison: Everybody knows I would be a way better action movie star than any of those Hollywood faggots. I’ll bet none of them have ever even beaten a woman half to death, much less been in a fight with a real man like me. You know what else? If any of them ever says shit about me, I’m going to kick his ass so bad he’ll never work again – and you can tell the parole board and that bitch judge who sentenced me I said so.
Rick Rigid, performer: I used to love Hollywood movies, but over the years they’ve just become so full of sex they’re practically pornography. I think this hurts my bottom line as a performer, because for whatever reason, when push comes to shove most women would still rather see a 90-freaking-year-old Harrison Ford with all his clothes on than watch me suck my own cock. I would think that’s way more impressive than anything Indiana Jones ever did.
Jerry Attrick, recently retired performer: I signed up for that Netflix online movie thing, but every time I try to use it, it says I’m giving it the wrong password. So, I called my son over to fix it up for me, but now he tells me it’s not going to work right unless I upgrade something called a “wireless router,” which to me sounds like the worst plumbing tool ever made, as opposed to a device that will somehow magically enable me to watch exclusive new comedies from the delightful Adam Sandler.
