QUANTICO, Va. – Even before Birdseye View Entertainment retained porn director Jimmy Duskish as the studio’s resident POV auteur, Duskish was shooting upwards of 20 POV scenes per week, employing a wide variety of both female and male talent.
At the time, Duskish didn’t know his practice of not giving the male talent clear billing on DVD box covers and websites later would create marketing and customer service issues for Birdseye, in part by leaving the company’s sales reps unable to respond quickly when retailers had questions about the identity of the male talent.
“I’ve always been the kind of porn viewer who didn’t really care whose cock was being sucked, especially in a POV video where you never really see most of the guy’s body,” Duskish said. “I thought it was all about the fantasy and projecting yourself into the action. What I didn’t understand then was for true connoisseurs of facial cumshots, there are certain performers whose work stands out among the rest of the crowd.”
While Duskish maintained complete 2257 records containing all the answers, he’s understandably reticent to allow even the most trusted members of the Birdseye staff to access his records database. With fans and store owners making regular requests for male cast information, though, it quickly became clear Duskish needed some manner of workaround that didn’t depend on accessing his 2257 database at all.
“There’s a lot of sensitive personal info in those records, including real names and home addresses,” said Duskish. “On the other hand, it was hopelessly inefficient for me to personally look up the cast details for every inquiry we received from fans and retailers, so some other kind of solution was needed. After all, when a man wants to know who shot a particularly massive gob of goo onto some chick’s face, he wants to know right now.”
After weeks of head-scratching, a flash of inspiration hit Duskish like a hot load of Peter North’s semen: At a recent college reunion, Duskish heard his old roommate, Benito Iniesto, had earned a small fortune developing high-tech security software funded by a large federal grant. Perhaps good old Bennie might be willing to lend his technical talents to an old friend?
“When Jimmy first called me up about developing a new kind of ‘facial recognition’ software designed to figure out who had ejaculated on any given female performer’s face, I thought maybe he’d fallen off the wagon and started sniffing model glue again,” Iniesto said. “But as I thought about it more, the challenge of the project began to get under my skin and pique my technologist’s curiosity.”
After 18 months in development and testing, Iniesto says he now has a viable cum-facial recognition system, capable of telling not only whose semen is dripping off Lisa Ann’s chin, but potentially differentiating the sources of each individual load in a bukkake scene involving 20 or more male performers.
“To think of what we can do now versus when we first began beta testing the software, the progress is simply breathtaking,” Iniesto said, noting the initial version of the software “routinely mistook Barbasol ads for gay porn” and identified the milk on the upper lip of actors in the “Got Milk?” advertising campaign as jizz emitted by British performer Marc Davis.
Duskish says once he’s satisfied the software is “completely bug-free and fully optimized,” he intends to market a consumer version called SplatterSpotter, enabling porn surfers to do things like reliably sort out the largely faceless mopes whose splooge often is haphazardly dumped at the end of gangbang and orgy scenes.
“SplatterSpotter is going to be a major boon for tube-site surfers who admire a certain face-blast or want to know which dude’s spunk stood out as so nasty, it made even a certified swallower like Dana DeArmond gag a bit,” Duskish noted. “And with the massive increase in amateur porn, it will also be a tool for wives to figure out if those ‘business trips’ their husbands have been taking lately involve the deposit of something other than funds, if you catch my drift.”
Purported Los Angeles-area attorney Ernest S. Hitter Esq. says while SplatterSpotter might be an undeniably useful tool for cumshot fans, he worries the software may “open the floodgates to more than just identification of paid ejaculators and professional onanists.”
“The men in these videos, especially the ones produced by amateurs, have a constitutional right to privacy of their privates,” Hitter opined. “Some might argue they have no expectation of privacy in the context of an orgasm they know is being actively recorded, but obviously this represents a very slippery slope — most typically the slope between the upper cheekbone and the bottom tip of the chin.”
