By Skidley Rott
Special to YNOT
HOLLYWOOD – It’s the holidays again, which means it’s time to start releasing new holiday-themed porn videos, which have long been my fourth-favorite seasonal product, right behind eggnog, tricolor M&Ms and sexually explicit Christmas ornaments.
This year, I had a huge plan for my holiday product drops, including a Thanksgiving-themed gonzo video which has already been filmed, edited and encoded for special release on Thursday — except now I can’t release it, at least according to the walking, breathing buzz-kill known as my attorney.
I’m not going to name the attorney I use, mostly because I’ve recommended him to a bunch of other porn producers over the years, and I’m too embarrassed to admit I was wrong about this guy being a good choice as a porn lawyer.
As it turns out, this guy knows almost nothing about porn — except, of course, which types of porn are (according to him) too “high risk” to distribute and sell.
I now wish I’d never even screened for my attorney the Thanksgiving release I had planned to call Poke My Hontas: The Decadent True Story of the First Thanksgiving because despite all the hard work, three long days of shooting and a ridiculous catering bill, all I’m left with is something this lawyer calls “an obscenity prosecution waiting to happen.”
Look, I’m no lawyer, but I have read the first couple paragraphs of several articles about obscenity law and nowhere in those paragraphs did I see anything about it being illegal to double-penetrate a full-grown (and unquestionably adult) turkey.
As for the shit-eating scene, it’s not even real feces — just mashed potatoes with way too much mushroom gravy and a few flecks of corn for added verisimilititude virisulemishness realism.
As if it wasn’t bad enough the lawyer wants me to strike the turkey-fucking and simulated crap feast, he also said I should overdub all the sound during the movie’s climactic gangbang, because apparently now it’s “offensive” to have all the guys singing the Florida State University war chant while they pull a train on Pocahontas!
Back when I first hired this guy, I told him I wanted only three simple things from him: new terms and conditions text for my website, help making sure my tax paperwork is all in order and, most importantly, to make all those ludicrous “felony DUI” charges go away without my driver’s license doing the same.
Somewhere along the line, it all got out of hand and the lawyer started getting really bossy and controlling, almost like he’d forgotten who retained whom in this relationship.
One day he’s insisting I actually do all the things I promised I’d do in the contracts I’ve entered into with various business partners; the next he’s telling me it’s no good to leave loaded, illegally-modified guns and half-finished bottles of Jack Daniels lying around the studio or to film without permits on state property, even in the middle of the goddamn night when pretty much nobody is around but homeless drunks and underpaid, apathetic rent-a-cops.
Anyway, in light of the Poke My Hontas debacle, I’ve already decided I’m not going to tell my lawyer anything about my upcoming Christmas epic, Miracle on 69th Street.
Among other things, I don’t want to hear him whine about how the nativity gangbang scene might upset some Christians, especially the part where Mary is sucking off what appears to be a goat (don’t worry folks — we used CGI, so it’s really just a German Shepherd made to look like a goat) while one of the Three Wise Guys plows her from behind.
The more I think about it, the more business sense it makes to me to just leave my lawyer out of things completely until I’m sure there’s a real and serious need for him to get involved — like the time I was indicted on those silly “grand larceny” charges after I forgot to ask my neighbor if I could borrow his Bentley for the purposes of filming an episode of Backseat Butt-Blasters, then subsequently forgot the Bentley belonged to my neighbor, then totally inadvertently sold it over the internet.
Anyway, I guess in a sense all of this is really just a complicated way for me to apologize to my fans for the lack of a Thanksgiving title from Smoking Butterfly this year.
I know how much our fans look forward to the elaborate costumes, the erotic gluttony and the unyielding (if occasionally “politically incorrect”) adherence to historical accuracy — especially with respect to traditional, Colonial-era gangbang encouragement chants.
Don’t worry folks. Smoking Butterfly will be back next year with a Thanksgiving release that’s bigger, better and ballsier than ever before. I already have a title in mind, too — one that even my attorney has to admit is both clever and totally non-offensive: A Bitter Pilgrim to Swallow.
Skidley Rott is the founder, CEO and primary in-house director for Smoking Butterfly Entertainment, a Hollywood-based adult entertainment studio and pornographic think-tank.
