BALTIMORE – Howdy folks! My name is Buzz Hancock and I’m the President, CEO and chief technology officer of a new Maryland-based adult entertainment and chemical-based-relief distribution company called Predator2Predator Entertainment (P2PE).
I’m posting here on YNOT today to let you know about an exciting new opportunity in the distribution of adult entertainment, a method of delivering content that is inescapably modern, undeniably high-tech, virtually invulnerable to digital piracy and so new, you can enjoy the benefits of getting in on the ground floor — or, perhaps more appropriate in this context, gettin in on the subterranean tunnels that run beneath the ground floor of this thrilling new business trend.
Before I tell you more about what our company does, let me ask you a couple ofquestions. First, what’s the best way to increase the value of your product, thereby making consumers willing to pay more for it, without making them feel like they’re being ripped off?
The answer is something called “artificial scarcity,” which basically means even though your product could be abundant and cheap, you take actions to limit the access to and supply of the product, thereby increasing its per-unit price and perceived value among consumers.
Next question: In theory, what should be the easiest environment in which to create artificial scarcity? This is a trickier question, so the answer might not be so intuitive: prison.
In a prison, your company and its goods benefit from a truly captive audience, consumers and viewers whose choices in products and content are, obviously, pretty limited. On top of the rules, policies, standards and random whims of the correctional officers who set their schedules and define their day to day lives, prisoners are restricted in their access to the internet, as well as reading and viewing materials they’re allowed to peruse in their own cells or the prison library.
By now, you probably know where I’m going with this: Inside a prison, a porn DVD that might fetch a mere $20 on the open markets of the free world could fetch upwards of six cartons of menthol cigarettes or three dime bags of black tar heroin — tangible assets your company can easily transform into cash, use to barter for higher-quality controlled substances, or simply stockpile for future personal or professional use.
I know what you’re thinking: Sure, it’s a no-brainer to swap small stacks of unsold DVDs for massive piles of Kool Filter Kings, but how in the heck do I get my porn into a prison, where porn is categorized as contraband?
In the old days, you really had just three options to tackle this dilemma. You could go the high risk route of trying to find a prison guard to bribe into being your porn-mule; you could have your customers’ mothers bake DVDs into a cake; or you could cram a bunch of porn up a lawyer’s ass and send him in for a private consultation with the intended purchaser.
Nowadays, thanks to rapid advances in miniaturization of unmanned aerial vehicles (UAVs), or drones as they are far more commonly called, you can conduct safe and secure product drops, delivering pornography to your valued, incarcerated clientele any time. No lubed-up lawyers required!
Now, as you might imagine, there are certain challenges to the drone-delivered prison-porn business model, starting with the small stumbling block it isn’t, strictly speaking, entirely legal. That is why it’s so important you not dive into the porn-by-drone game directly, but work through us at P2PE, instead.
Granted, no courier can guarantee 100-percent successful delivery of any shipment, be it widgets, doohickeys, pornography or high-potency, uncut Peruvian cocaine divvied up into small plastic baggies with Che Guevara’s face printed on them. Even here at P2PE, we’ve had our successes and failures when it comes to prison-yard product-drops. By the same token, sometimes we run into trouble getting payment out of the correctional facilities, whether it comes in the form of cash, “loosies” or transferable sexual-favor IOUs.
This is why P2PE offers all our adult entertainment clients contraband delivery insurance on every shipment we drop. If everything goes to hell, P2PE will work with you to make it right — even if we must drive out to the tax-free smoke shops operating on nearby Native American reservations, or scouring godforsaken municipal parks and public swimming pools in search of some decent smack to offset lost shipments or interdicted payments.
When you ship into prisons using P2PE, you can also rest assured your smutty and/or intoxicating products will be flown by the very best drone pilots this side of the U.S. Air Force: former Game Stop cashiers who have never had sex with a girl, but have spent so much time fiddling with their joysticks they could parallel park an aircraft carrier on a crowded Baltimore street by remote control with their eyes closed.
So, the next time you’re sitting around the office trying to figure out how to drum up enough cash to keep the lights on, remember that as you read this post, there’s a largely untapped market of around 2.4 million inmates eager to do something more fun with their time than lift weights, stab each other with sharpened toothbrushes and reminisce about back in the day when they used to sell blow to Dan Quayle.
What are you waiting for? Call, email, tweet, IM, text or slip a hand-written note on toilet paper to P2PE right now and start converting these bored felons into happy “cons-tumers” today!
