EASTON, Pa. – In the latest development in the ongoing porn-and-politics scandal playing out in the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania, State Supreme Court Justice Matthew Eaton-Crowe took the witness stand to apologize for his role in the exchange of inappropriate emails, tearfully bemoaning the undeniable fact he has privately “always been something of a ‘dude.’”
“I want to assure the citizens of this great state my admitted dude-ism has never influenced the way I prosecuted or decided a case,” said Eaton-Crowe, who served as a district attorney prior to his 14-year stint on the bench. “Never have I looked down on a defendant who doesn’t play beer pong, questioned the credibility of witnesses simply because they were vegan, or increased the length of a sentence in light of the defendant’s professed affection for the Dallas Cowboys.”
Under intense cross-examination, Eaton-Crowe did admit to “occasionally mentally undressing” female attorneys who appear in his court, but emphasized he does this “only with the really super-hot ones.”
Asked whether he considers embattled Pennsylvania Attorney General Kathleen Kane to be one of the “super-hot ones,” a clearly flustered and confused Eaton-Crowe invoked his Seventh Amendment right against self-incrimination, leading to a brief and baffling exchange between opposing counsel and the presiding judge as to whether one or more of them had walked into the wrong courtroom.
In response to his attorney asking what would be a “just and appropriate” punishment for his transgressions, Eaton-Crowe said he’d accept any punishment the judicial panel hearing the case found appropriate, but he begged for the opportunity “to continue my life’s work in service of this great Commonwealth.”
“While I might have secretly high-fived a few of my fellow legal-system-dudes over untrue stories of our entirely imagined sexual exploits and occasionally mocked the poor, indigent, disabled, African-Amerian and Hispanic, when it comes to my performance on the bench, I must reiterate I’ve never let my dude-ism stand in the way of delivering verdicts which, if not entirely legally-sound, were at least defensible against media criticism, if anyone happened to be paying attention at the time,” Eaton-Crowe said.
Jamie Sprode, a former clerk who served under Eaton-Crowe from 2004-2006, was among the witnesses testifying against the jurist. According to Sprode, Eaton-Crowe’s inappropriate humor was not confined to the exchange of emails.
Wiping away tears, Sprode testified about meeting with Eaton-Crowe in the middle of a high-profile felony jaywalking case under appeal at the time.
“Judge Crowe called me into his office and asked me if I wanted to see a magic trick,” Sprode said, her voice cracking and halting as she spoke. “He asked me whether I’d ever seen someone turn a drinking glass into a piece of fruit. Naturally, I said no. At this point, Judge Crowe picked up a glass from his desk, wrapped it in his handkerchief, stood up and placed the wrapped glass in front of his crotch. He then looked at me and yelled ‘See — now ain’t that a peach?’ It was really traumatizing, not to mention quite tasteless and not very clever.”
Under cross-examination, however, Sprode conceded she had once told the judge she was a “big fan of Cheech and Chong” and couldn’t rule out the possibility the jurist was trying to ease the tension by recreating a joke from one of the duo’s movies.
The stakes in the hearing couldn’t be higher for Eaton-Crowe, whose impartiality and suitability to serve have been questioned in the aftermath of revelations he sent, received, forwarded and responded to a variety of inappropriate emails using his official judicial email account. If the judicial panel finds Eaton-Crowe’s conduct falls outside the bounds of “reasonable judicial chauvinism” or rises to “first degree piggishness,” he could be removed from the bench and lose his license to practice law.
At the same time, members of Jock and Strap, a secretive and elite social network to which Eaton-Crowe has belonged since his college days, say the judge could be stripped of his honorary “Judge Jock” status should the hearings reveal him to be not enough of a dude.
“Sure, he doesn’t want to lose his reputation as a judge or his law license,” remarked current Jock and Strap President Pinto Flounder, “but does he really want to spend the rest of his life on the outside of a toga party looking in? That’s just no way to be a dude, bro.”
According to court documents and information provided by AG Kane at several hundred different press conferences she has held since August, the emails at issue in the controversy contained “disgusting and degrading pornography, crude, racist humor” and “possibly the most offensive ‘knock-knock’ joke ever told.”
Kane, who has thus far declined to repeat the knock-knock joke despite several Freedom of Humor requests filed by local media outlets, offered no immediate or direct comment on the hearing, but indicated she’d hold nine more press conferences later this afternoon, seven of which will be dedicated to revealing more members of the “good ol’ boy network” Kane says is behind the effort to drive her out of office before she has a chance leave voluntarily in order to run for governor.
