WASHINGTON, D.C. – If you’ve been keeping track of former reality TV show host and now President-Elect Donald Trump’s nominations to serve in his cabinet and other governmental roles, you can be excused for thinking that the editors of The Onion are now in charge at every news outlet in the country.
Pete Hegseth for Secretary of Defense – why not, right? Sure, he’s never run a large organization, doesn’t appear to have the confidence of current Pentagon officials, defense contractors or anyone who doesn’t habitually watch Fox News, but he does suck at throwing axes, which has to count for something.
Tulsi Gabbard for Director of National Intelligence? Well, I suppose if Laura Loomer wasn’t interested, maybe Tulsi is the next best thing.
Trump’s pick that might be most… um… let’s go with “relevant” to the adult industry, though, is Matt Gaetz for Attorney General. My initial reaction to hearing this news was, to abbreviate it somewhat, AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.
Like proposed Sec. Def. Whathisface, Gaetz is another nominee with no experience running a large organization. Granted, DOJ is nowhere near as large as the DOD (as all enlisted personnel are all part of the DOD, the Dept is the country’s largest employer, with 2.1 million service members and nearly 800,000 civilian employees), it’s still a pretty beastly bureaucracy, with over 115,000 employees, spread across 40 separate component organizations, with offices in 50 different countries.
Prior to serving in Congress, where he gropes overseas a small staff (on average the staff of members of the House numbers around 15 people), Gaetz was an attorney at a small law firm in Fort Walton Beach, Florida, where the future Congressman handled precisely zero federal litigations, as near as anyone can tell. He later distinguished himself in Florida by being suspended by the state bar for failing to pay his bar fees, however, so his track record in the state isn’t all bad.
Some haters have suggested that in the cabinet picks listed above, as well as establishing a new “Department of Government Efficiency” that appears to be led by two people (because nothing says “efficiency” like creating a new department and having it be led by two people), Trump has shown himself to be a deeply unserious clown, whose interest is less in making America great than it is making Americans grateful that climate change will soon kill us all, anyway.
The more I think about all this however, I am becoming convinced we should reject the braying “analysis” offered by these ninnies, naysayers, nincompoops and national security experts and fully embrace The Trumpian Way. And the Trumpian Way means thinking Outside the Box, being open to New Ideas and employing A lot of Random caPitaLizatiOn.
Along those lines, I have what I Firmly Believe to be a Fantastic Idea: Let’s nominate Incitatus for Secretary of the Interior!
Those of you not steeped in the history of Great Leaders might not recognize the name of the Great and Noble Incitatus. But if you Do Your Own Research, you will find Incitatus was the Favorite Horse of the Equally Great and Noble Caligula, who appointed Incitatus as a consul.
And yes, so-called “experts” in history and dunderheaded members of the Lamestream Media will insist that Caligula merely mused about appointing Incitatus as consul as part of Owning the Libs of his time. But I reject this Lie of the Left and choose to believe the Alternative Fact that Incitatus was in fact a Very Stable Equine Genius who provided Valuable Advice to the Greatest of All Roman Emperors.
Still, I suppose some of you might question why the missing corpse of a long-dead horse is an Appropriate Choice for Secretary of the Interior, or whether Incitatus might be ineligible to serve, given that – dead or alive – he’s likely not an American Citizen. Well, Mr. Smarty Pants, let me explain.
Whatever reservations you might have about Incitatus’s qualifications, you must admit that as a horse, he is In Touch with Environmental Issues – and all the more literally in touch with them as he has by now surely Decomposed and become One with the Earth!
Also, perhaps ironically, while the office is called the Secretary of the Interior, most of the job involves handling administration of things that you wouldn’t want in the Interior, like federal lands, the National Park Service and, judging by the department’s seal, Big Ass Buffaloes.
As you are surely persuaded by now, clearly the Ideal Candidate for Secretary of the Interior is indeed the Great and Also Noble Incitatus.
Plus, unlike Trump’s nominee for Attorney General, Incitatus represents an entire horse, instead of just its ass.
Horse photo by Brenda Timmermans from Pexels
