By Jack Titanium-Nickelloy
Special to YNOT

MINNEAPOLIS – As all you haters no doubt have read by now, one of my former non-colleagues from several law firms with which I have absolutely no association (other than having co-founded, directed and managed them) and I have been arrested on several baseless criminal charges.

According to the indictment, my colleagues and I allegedly engaged in conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud, wire fraud, mail fraud, money laundering and conspiracy to suborn perjury in federal court.

Obviously, these claims are patently absurd. For example, how could we have engaged in a “conspiracy” to commit mail and wire fraud and been the ones who committed the alleged mail and wire fraud itself?

This notion simply doesn’t make sense and betrays total prosecutorial ignorance about how conspiracies work. As we all know from past events involving conspiracies, like the assassination of John F. Kennedy (“FDR”), in any real conspiracy, the person charged with the crime is always just a patsy, while the real criminals are the guys in the CIA or the Mafia or Lyndon Baines Johnson’s (“BTK”) White House cabinet or whatever.

It’s also very clear from statements made by the prosecutor that he’s completely biased against us, and this undue prejudice is causing him to forge ahead with this persecution despite having no evidence to support the charges.

“The defendants in this case are charged with devising a scheme that casts doubt on the integrity of our profession,” said the evil bastard in charge of depriving me of my freedom simply for doing my job. “The conduct of these defendants was outrageous. They used deceptive lawsuits and unsuspecting judges to extort millions from vulnerable defendants. Our courts are halls of justice where fairness and the rule of law triumph, and my office will use every available resource to stop corrupt lawyers from abusing our system of justice.”

What a joke. The integrity of the legal profession? “Our courts are halls of justice where fairness and the rule of law triumph”? Does he seriously expect anyone who has watched even a single episode of Law & Order to believe this outrageous bullshit?

Since the prosecutor clearly has no idea, let me explain to you people how the American court system really works. First, you come up with a great idea to make money through threats to litigate against people, then you threaten to sue people, then they immediately settle, then you collect the money, and then you retire to Bermuda.

Nowhere in there is anything having to do with justice, fairness or the so-called “rule of law.” If I were interested in any of those things, I’d have gotten a degree in philosophy.

Do you want to know how many times things like justice, fairness and the rule of law are even brought up during the average student’s three-year stint in law school? Well, if so, you’d better ask someone else, because I spent most of law school doing far more important things than listening to dull lectures — like hanging out at singles’ bars, telling the women therein I was already a highly successful attorney and if they didn’t immediately sleep with me, I’d have them arrested on the spot.

The bottom line here is even if we did the things alleged in the indictment (which we absolutely did not), it shouldn’t be a crime to use “sham entities” to obtain copyrights to pornographic movies, then “upload those movies to file-sharing websites in order to lure people to download the movies,” as the indictment describes our behavior.

Look, if I buy a bicycle and then leave it on my porch without locking it to anything, and someone comes along and steals the bike and then I sue you because I’m pretty sure it was you who stole the bike, why should I feel bad about you paying me for the stolen bike, even if it was stolen by some other guy and you’re only settling with me because it would cost more to hire a lawyer than to buy me a new bike?

What difference does it make I told the court it wasn’t my bike, it was my client’s bike, or didn’t mention to the court I had a “financial interest” in the bike? It’s still unarguably a bike that was stolen off my porch, so why shouldn’t I be allowed to sue some blind octogenarian woman who lives across the country from me just because she technically couldn’t have been the one who stole the bike?

As for the claim we engaged in a scheme to “suborn perjury in federal court,” I don’t even know what that means, so how could we have done it? I assume it’s some kind of typo and the prosecutor meant to type “stubborn pejorative” or “submarine prospectus” but was undermined by the autocorrect function on his phone. I’m pretty sure neither “suborn” nor “perjury” are real words.

If you’re wondering how we plan to defend ourselves against these charges, all I can say is I and my former non-colleague will be represented by counsel just as effective and expert as we are, meaning you can count on this ludicrous indictment being quickly dismissed.

Ultimately, I and my former non-colleague will be thoroughly and completely vindicated. We are not trolls, we are not unethical and we are not attorneys.

Wait… No, we are attorneys, obviously (or used to be at any rate), but we’re definitely not trolls. Among other things, trolls live in caves in the mountains and eat Scandinavian children. We, on the other hand, live in a state that doesn’t have mountains.

Jack Titanium-Nickelloy is a successful (possibly former) attorney, occasional pornographer and expert on all kinds of legal stuff. If you need to get divorced, sue a doctor, threaten to sue a blind octogenarian or are interested in becoming a Minnesota-based landscaper, you should totally hit him up while he still has a license to practice law.