By Ronald Crump
Special to YNOT
NEW YORK – Dear losers, morons and haters who represent the porn industry, what the fuck is wrong with you people? Don’t you have any class? Any brains? Don’t you like making money?
OK, if you do like making money, explain this to me: How come none of you geniuses have offered either my beautiful, sexy daughter or my absolutely MILFY wife a job doing porn?
Seriously, what gives? You retards offer jobs to accused murderers, rappers who don’t even have a dick anymore, butt-ugly Kentuckians who can’t stand fags getting married… Shit, you offered a job to the fat slob who plays for the Red Sox, and he’s not even an American!
My girls have so much to offer, and while they’d never in a million years allow some tattooed, disease-carrying L.A. porn industry imbecile to touch them, we all know you offer these jobs to people for the publicity anyway — and nobody generates publicity like a Crump.
Just look at my presidential campaign: I’m number one in every poll, so far ahead of the pack they might as well just let me move the solid gold bust of myself from Crump Tower straight into the Oval Office this afternoon. Guess how much I’ve spent on advertising to get to the top of the polls? Not one dollar.
How is this possible? Because everybody is fascinated with me already, as they should be, because I’m just more interesting than everybody else — not to mention better looking, smarter, richer and just plain Crumpier.
By the same token, even just suggesting you’re going to feature my daughter, Ivana Gnuname-Crump, or my wife, Yugunna Fangermi-Crump, in one of your crappy, low-budget gonzo flicks is bound to give your pathetic brands the sort of boost that might just enable you to pay your rent — or maybe you’re your employees, for a change.
Giving all you dummies some benefit of the doubt, I’m going assume there are two reasons why you haven’t offered my girls a porn job. First, you’ve abstained out of respect for me, which I certainly understand. Second, you’re probably worried about me suing your balls straight into the dirt — which, sure, I probably would do if you didn’t handle the offer just right.
So, how do you do it just right?
First and foremost, there has to be some kind of realistic give and take here. Let’s be real: These ladies are Crumps, so you they aren’t just going to show up, suck off, get paid and fuck off. There needs to be more of a relationship involved, not just “wham, bam, here’s your pathetically small check, ma’am.”
For starters, obviously any studio working with my girls would need to be renamed Crump Entertainment, or Crump Productions, or maybe Crump Pumps International.
Next, we’d have to address what I’d consider a fair split of the profits. Offhand, I’m thinking I take 99 percent of the profits and you take the rest, along with the esteem and respect that comes from being associated with me.
Actually, come to think of it, the esteem and respect that comes from being associated with me is extremely valuable, so I’d better take the entire 100 percent of the profits from your Crump titles, plus 50 percent of your company’s existing revenues (your gross revenues, I mean; my name is “Crump,” not “Chump,” after all).
The revenue split is just part of the bargain, of course. Any time you work with The Ronald, you’d better believe it’s going to show — by which I mean the owners, managers and employees of any studio that authors Crump brand porno will be subject to the standard requirements for all members of Team Crump, including having a portrait of me painted on the roof of your home, so passengers on any plane that passes overhead will know I own your ass.
Look, I’m not trying to tell you how to run your business (I don’t give out incredibly brilliant business advice for free, dummy), I’m just telling you if one of you schmucks doesn’t offer my girls a porn job pretty damn soon, I’m going to buy Las Vegas and force you porn industry shitbirds to have your annual January parties and conferences somewhere else — like downtown Detroit, maybe, or some dumpy Westin property in southern Arizona.
I’d close by saying I’d like to have your support in next year’s election, except I don’t need it.
I don’t need it because all Real Americans, the kind of Americans who love the Miss USA pageant, playing blackjack and watching reality television, already support me.
You idiots probably don’t believe I have as much support as I do because you’ve been drinking the Haterade served up by the media, who are all terrible (especially the dumb bimbo at Fox News!), and because you won’t find any Real Americans in California, because they can’t stand to be so close to San Francisco and UC Berkeley.
Trust me: I am as popular as I say and you’d better believe it, because I’m also super-smart and tough as nails.
In fact, I’m so smart that if you disagree with me, first I’ll prove you wrong, then if you don’t accept my proof and immediately apologize for contradicting me, I’ll have one of my bodyguards kick your sorry ass down the street like you deserve.
Look, porno people, there are three things in life I don’t have time for: political correctness, washing the blood of morons off my knuckles and repeating myself. So don’t make me come back here to tell you a second time what to do. Just offer one of my girls a job, or kiss Vegas goodbye and suffer the consequences.
You have been warned, haters. #MakeAmericaCrumpAgain
Ronald Crump is a Republican presidential candidate and East Coast real estate baron.
