By Christie Oozemanian
Special to YNOT
LOS ANGELES – My name is Christie Oozemanian. You’ve probably read a lot of unfair allegations, ugly rumors and outright lies about me and my former employer, award-winning director and aspiring actor Ben Auchinleck, having some kind of extramarital affair.
Let me be completely clear: The claim is totally untrue, or at the very least, something which can’t be proven without paying me more money than any tabloid has offered thus far.
The supposed “evidence” of our so-called “affair” really boils down to some very innocent pictures we took on Ben’s private jet while we were hanging out with a bunch of hockey players — or maybe they were baseball dudes. I’m not too sure. (I believe one of them introduced himself as “Gunk,” if that helps.)
At any rate, these rugby guys, or whatever they were, are the only guys I’ve ever met who smell even more like men than Ben does — not that I’ve spent a lot of time in close proximity to Ben’s unwashed private parts, or anything. I’m just saying he simply exudes masculinity, along with an impressive amount of perspiration.
While the events of the last few weeks have been traumatic and awful, I do have my supporters and well-wishers, and I’m currently exploring various opportunities to make the most of my sudden and unwanted fame, including potential appearances on fine reality television programs like “Who Wants to Marry My Overflowing Wallet?” and “Real Gold Diggers of Pacific Palisades.”
By far the most unexpected opportunity to come my way, though, is the offer to play a central role in a new porn movie.
Whatever you might think about porn (and I happen to think it’s even grosser than Ben’s fetish of having his toes sucked right after his morning jog and right before his morning shower), if nothing else, you have to give Irritable Angel and director C.V. Joint Norelco credit for originality.
I mean, a porn job offer for someone whose name is suddenly all over the headlines? Where and how on earth did he come up with such an incredibly unique and original idea?
It’s not like porn studios line up to offer a job to every halfway attractive, famous woman who finds herself the subject of tabloid headlines. If that were the case, I’m sure women like Nadya “Octomom” Suleman, Amanda Knox, Pippa Middleton, Casey Anthony, Kate Gosselin, Tori Spelling, Heidi Montag and Kylie Jenner would have received porn offers long before now.
For that matter, there are even some famous men I would have expected to receive such offers before little old me got one — Prince Harry, John Mayer, Charlie Sheen, Wiz Khalifa or Conan O’Brien, for example.
At any rate, my point is this: Even though there’s no way in hell I’m ever going to get on my knees in front of a camera and suck the cock of someone less famous than the last person I fellated (who totally wasn’t Ben, by the way), I’m still somewhat blown away by the startling, unprecedented, outside-the-box thinking that must have gone into issuing a press release offering me the once-in-a-lifetime chance to follow in the footsteps of universally respected feminist intellectuals like Farrah Abraham, Paris Hilton and whichever Kardashian it was who actually made a sex tape, as opposed to merely being invited to make one.
So, while I must regrettably decline Mr. Norelco’s porn offer, I do feel compelled to acknowledge its stunning novelty and freshness. In an age where it seems every movie is a reboot (Hello? Vacation?) or a retread (How many motorcycle chases featuring Tom Cruise do we need, realistically?), it’s great to see someone break the mold and take the porn publicity stunt road less traveled.
No, I’ll never appear in an Irritable Angel title, but I will be keeping an eye on these ingenious innovators to see what they come up with next. Whatever it is, I’m sure it will be another unprecedented foray into bold new territory — like a porn parody of a superhero movie.
Wouldn’t that be something?
Christie Oozemanian is a soon-to-be-reality TV personality and former nanny to the stars of truly terrible movies about certain events seminal to the United States’ involvement in World War II. Recently, Oozemanian was offered a porn performance gig by Irritable Angel director C.V. Joint Norelco, on the heels of rumors she had an affair with her most recent celebrity employer, alleged actor Ben Auchinleck.
