By Kent Undermire
Special to YNOT

BELLVUE, Ohio – Howdy residents of Fogle County. Sheriff Kent Undermire here. As you know, I’m the law in these parts.

Now, if you’ve been paying attention to the local press (which you shouldn’t, because they’re a bunch of liberal liars), you may think of me as the local dirty old man, because it has been reported I follow quite a few so-called “porn stars” on the Twitter.

Let me be perfectly clear here: I do not like porn, porn stars, the energy drink named after them people, the line of clothing named after them people, or anything with the word porn in it.

The one and only reason I followed those porn star accounts is ’cause I’m an older guy, and older guys just plumb don’t understand how the dang Twitter works.

It all started when some really hairy fat guy named “Ron” started following me. I guess he was keen to keep up on all the exciting goings-on here in Fogle County, especially the thrill-a-minute lives of the men and… uh… other men of our beloved Sheriff’s Department.

I pride myself on being polite and right respectful at all times, so I went ahead and followed back this Ron guy. I mean, it would have been rude not to, right?

Well, the next thing I knew, I was being followed by some European gal named Annika, another gal covered with tattoos named Bonnie, three different blonde gals named Dakota and around 30 more gals named Lexi. And just like with that Ron fella, I returned the favor and followed all these young ladies.

Now, because I’m a busy guy, I never actually read the Twitter, so I had no idea some of these people from Los Angeles were taking naked pictures of themselves and sending them out on the Twitter.

Once I realized what these sicko Californians were up to, I tried to make it all stop by hitting the little icon that looks like a heart, because I assumed that link meant “Please stop, you’re giving me a heart attack.” Well, wouldn’t you know it? That little icon actually means you “like” what you just read or saw on the Twitter!

Imagine my embarrassment when I found out not only had I failed to take all them naked pictures out of my feed, I had actually caused them to show up in the feeds of my followers when I hit another link I assumed to be the “undo” button, only to find out it does something called “retwittering.”

Anyway, obviously I’m red-faced about this whole thing. After spending all night yesterday unfollowing, un-twittering and un-retwittering all this stuff from California, I finally decided I don’t need to be on the Twitter at all.

Really, I don’t need the Twitter anymore, because the Fogle County Sheriff’s Department has a new “network socialization” application all its own now. So, instead of hanging out on the Twitter, I’m going to be focusing on using the department’s new app.

The new app has all kinds of great features, including a tool you can use to “flag” posts from particular individuals who reside in California, especially when they ain’t wearing no clothes.

At the suggestion of a wealthy and influential friend of the department from New York, we’re also adding a function you can use to report suspected Muslims and/or Mexicans in your area and flag them according to the crime you suspect they have committed or might commit at some point in the future. (By default, suspected Muslims are set to “terrorism” and potential Mexicans to “rapist.”)

Anyway, I just wanted to take a minute to explain how I wound up following 80 different porn stars, because I know it had to be confusing to all the good people of Fogle County, many of whom know me personally and know I was raised right. I know good and well you ain’t supposed to be looking at someone who ain’t got no clothes on unless you’re about to try making a baby with them, or you’re conducting a strip search just to make damn sure they ain’t packing a Koran under all them flowing white robes.

This brings me to a point that should go without saying, but just to make sure everybody understands it perfectly clearly: I am not interested in making babies with some hairy guy named Ron.

Thanks for listening, folks. And remember, officers of the Fogle County Sheriff’s Department are here to protect and serve, but we need your help to accomplish this dual mission.

So, if you see someone wearing anything that resembles a turban (even if it might just be a bath towel), hear someone speaking a language other than English, or realize one of my deputies has accidentally followed someone named “Mistress Cruella,” don’t let apathy get the better of you. Fire up the new FCSD network-socializing app and start making a difference today!

Kent Undermire is the Sheriff of Fogle County, Ohio, and definitely not a porn fan.