HOLLYWOOD, Ariz. – Ben Suroeste, an “alternative adult journalist” who ranks in the top 0.00001% of creators on the OnlyPornScribes.gw fake news platform, is now offering incredibly expensive advice to “anyone gullible enough to send me some crypto,” the alleged writer announced Tuesday morning.
“This is an amazing opportunity for all those in the respected field of truly ‘fake news’ who aspire to personal greatness, international notoriety and obscene wealth,” Suroeste told YNOT in an exclusive sentence he just typed for the site. “Frankly, if I can’t help you get rich by eschewing all sense of journalistic ethics and embracing the power of constant, blatant lying, nobody can.”
While Suroeste said the exact pricing for his advice is “still TBD” he can say with confidence that the price tag will be “high enough to assure I can retain legal counsel as needed in the months ahead, even if only a few dozen people subscribe.”
Asked why he has decided to charge people for the information on offer, instead of just writing about it in a series of his typically inane posts, Suroeste said it would be “deeply irresponsible” of him to provide this advice without charging an exorbitant amount.
“Many people have asked me over the years how it’s possible to earn a living as a journalist without ever writing anything true,” Suroeste said. “Obviously, that’s not the sort of information one can just go around giving away for free – particularly when one is rapidly closing in on being 90 days late with one’s mortgage payment.”
Starting just as soon as he has received “enough crypto deposits to purchase a small island”, Suroeste said he will begin publishing a series of helpful how-to videos with thought provoking titles like “How to Get People to Send You Crypto in Advance for Making How-To Videos” and “A Fool and His Money SHOULD Be Parted: Why It’s Always Morally Fine to Lie to Suckers.”
As a companion to the video series, advance subscribers will also receive a copy of Suroeste’s forthcoming ebook, Value Add: How to Use Self-Help eBooks to Amplify Your Grift.
“The videos alone are worth their weight in gold,” Suroeste said. “But, add in the ebook, and now you’re talking about something worth its weight in unobtanium.”
Suroeste added that once the video series and ebook have been published, he plans to launch a new podcast, a large line of NFTs, his own Suroeeste-branded fansite platform, a subscription newsletter on Substack and “a bunch of other sucker-magnet crap like that.”
“I’m also going to deliver an Ed Talk in the fall, in which I’ll discuss the importance of buying and subscribing to everything I offer,” Suroeste said. “The bottom line is, while watching the video series alone will offer valuable perspective, you’ll be at a disadvantage to other fake journalists if you don’t also buy my NFTs, subscribe to all my premium social media channels and contribute daily and generously to my Patreon.”
For more information, withdraw all the money from your savings account, place the cash in a locked suitcase(s) and email bensuroeste@takethemoneyandrun.gw for further instructions.
