WASHINGTON – On the heels of signing a pledge to aggressively enforce U.S. obscenity laws if elected president, Republican nominee Donald Trump reportedly has signed a supplemental vow averring his future fourth wife will not be a hardcore porn star.
“This new promise is an important addendum to the pledge Mr. Trump signed at the request of Enough is Enough,” said Fiona Couscous-Raytheon, the executive director of Safe Spouses USA, a conservative activist group that advocates for marrying no more than one erotic model per lifetime.
“Given the clear pattern in escalation of eroticism among Mr. Trump’s spouses over time, social conservatives have a legitimate concern that sometime over the next four years, the country could end up with a hardcore porn star as First Lady,” Couscous-Raytheon said. “Signing this pledge assures Mr. Trump is, at the very least, strongly considering not divorcing his current wife in favor of someone employed by Brazzers.”
The relevant text of the pledge is as follows:
If elected President of the United State of America, I promise:
1) To try hard not to get divorced again while still in office.
2) Aggressively shield my eyes from pornography that is more explicit than any in which my current spouse has previously appeared.
3) If I do get divorced, at least Google my next partner’s name before marrying him/her to confirm he/she is not featured in any gangbang videos on major adult tube sites.
4) If I do become engaged to a hardcore porn star, to give serious thought to delaying our fabulous, elegant, first-rate wedding until after my term in office is completed.
Hillary Clinton reportedly has declined to sign the Safe Spouses USA pledge, fueling rampant speculation in some quarters she’s considering dumping Bill once the Oval Office is hers.
“Why won’t Hillary sign the pledge? Because she wants to leave her options open – all her options, if you catch my drift,” said conservative pundit and frequent Clinton critic Fran Koulter. “Is that too subtle? What I mean to say is she’s a dyke people, a carpet-munching, finger-banging, card-carrying lesbo, and her marriage to Bill is a total sham. And if this comment turns out to sound really, really homophobic and unacceptable to a lot of people, please understand I’ll later claim to be just joking about this, because no matter how obvious it is I’m being serious, for some reason that excuse seems to work every time.”
While stopping short of echoing Koulter’s perspective/joke, Couscous-Raytheon said her organization still has some concerns about the possibility Clinton might a porn star in the future, even though such a marriage would be her first to an erotic model or performer.
“While it’s true the pledge seems less relevant to Hillary because she has chosen — for some unfathomable reason — to remain married to the same man her entire adult life, despite that man having a penchant for inserting cigars in his underlings, one never knows what the future holds,” Couscous-Raytheon said. “Although we think it unlikely Hillary would leave Bill for the likes of Mr. Pete or Mark Wood, signing our pledge certainly would further assuage our concern.”
Derek Derekson, one of the leaders of the #EvenADeadRodentOverTrump (“EDROT”) movement termed Trump’s signing of the pledge “a massive lump of less than nothing.”
“So he signed something. Whoopty-freaking-do,” Derekson said. “He probably signed every other contract he has ever reneged on, too. Ask any of his unpaid former contractors, disgruntled former employees or discarded former wives what a signed agreement from Donald Trump is worth, and they’ll likely respond by asking you how much the paper it’s written on sells for when it’s on clearance.”
