LAS VEGAS, Uruguay – My effort to reach the Las Vegas Strip in time for the AVN Show is again in jeopardy, this time due to my own inattentive use of Hotwire. However, without even being on the same continent as the show, I know the future of porn is going to be the hottest topic discussed.
This year, haptic technologies, virtual-reality porn and the “internet of things” will converge in an unprecedented way, enabling porn fans to experience sensations they’ve never encountered before — especially if they’ve never tried to fuck an internet-connected toaster.
From voice-activated, solar-powered vibrators to 4G WiFi hot-spot anal beads, integrated technologies are the hottest trend in the adult business. Never again will porn fans have to settle for merely masturbating to two-dimensional video of performers, as 3D VR porn will quickly push old adult entertainment forms out of the market, where they’ll join other obsolete forms of entertainment like books, checkers and the childhood game of festive, anti-communist, competitive violence known as “Red Rover.”
Given recent trends in law and the increasing number of states either legalizing marijuana or strongly considering doing so, don’t be surprised to see “vaping” capabilities appended to the already multifaceted integrated entertainment systems.
Imagine, if you will, burning a nice, fat joint with a virtual porn star while you simultaneously synchronize your MP3 music libraries and share in the pleasure of having your genitals stimulated by the same set of ergonomic micro-rollers you’ll later use to iron your dress shirts.
Yes, the future of porn is here, and it’s all about integration — not just technological integration, but clever new combinations and reconfigurations of traditional and next-gen entertainment forms. This opens a new universe of erotic possibilities.
Convergence won’t just revolutionize porn consumption, though. It’s going to change the way people consume entertainment of all kinds, from music and movies to sports and reality television.
By the time the Super Bowl rolls around in February, for example, you won’t want to go to the game even if you have the best seats available. Simply sitting in the stands with a bunch of drunk, face-painting lunatics can’t compete with watching the game in immersive 3D while a virtual Lisa Ann simultaneously fondles your balls and whispers fantasy football tips into your ear, enhanced by sophisticated Dolby surround-sound.
Another February event, the Grammys, will be similarly affected by the ongoing convergence and crossover of technologies and entertainment forms. The 2016 Grammys will be the most interactive and sensual awards show since the time Rob Lowe danced erotically with Snow White in an embarrassing attempt to recreate his infamous 1988 sex tape.
During a performance of “Only,” one of this year’s nominees for Best Rap/Sung Collaboration, viewers will be able to play a game in which they get to finger Nicki Minaj virtually. The goal is to get away with the act for as long as you can until Chris Brown notices, a discovery that results in a virtual beat-down for the remote game player — but hopefully not a real-world assault for Ms. Minaj.
By the time Chris Rock gears up to host the Academy Awards at the end of February, the “new virtualism” ushered in by the unprecedented convergence in entertainment technologies will result in not a single star being present to accept an award.
Instead, the actors, directors, producers, choreographers, etc., will appear strictly via their virtual avatars, oddly filling the stage with extremely tall, blue people who will direct menacing stares at Rock while he makes off-color jokes about their fashion sense, failed celebrity relationships and questionable career choices.
Throughout it all, porn fans watching from home will have on-board apps that render naked all the Hollywood stars as they virtually accept their awards and deliver tearful speeches. Afterward, a series of cruel new Jennifer Lawrence memes will be uploaded to the web, drawing an epic fit of rage from the young superstar. In response, she’ll make a dystopian futuristic movie with Bradley Cooper in which he plays a mentally ill master chef and diehard Philadelphia Eagles fan who becomes an expert sniper every time he takes a magic pill at a friend’s bachelor party.
Yes, the future of porn, the future of all entertainment, is finally here — and since everything is now connected, virtual, haptic and immersive, the future of everything is now everywhere.
You know, maybe I’ll just skip my upcoming flight to the “right” Las Vegas. For some reason, this actual beach I’m sitting on suddenly seems virtually perfect.
