MONTREAL or maybe LOS ANGELES – Most likely, sometime this week a porn site will “offer a job to a famous person who is in the headlines for less-than-enviable reasons,” an adult industry writer speculated this morning.
Ben Suroeste, a frequent contributor to YNOT.com, said he based this prediction on “long, painful experience with the stunning and ongoing lack of originality and creativity shown by porn industry promotion and publicity people in recent years.”
According to Suroeste, a full month hasn’t gone by without some studio offering a porn job to “a celebrity, quasi-celebrity or marginally well-known accused felon” since September 2002, when the entire industry was “still too hung over from the Florida show to write open letters, I guess.”
Suroeste said he’s at a loss to explain the utter lack of variety in modern porn publicity stunt concepts, but the industry needs to do “whatever it takes” to inject a little diversity into its guerrilla-marketing attempts.
“Seriously, maybe these people need to start doing a different class of recreational drugs to help inspire new ideas,” Suroeste said. “I’m not saying it needs to be a better or more expensive class of drug, mind you, just different. Switching over from popping uppers to sniffing model glue seemed to work wonders for certain West Coast punk bands in the early ’80s, for example.”
Despite the tiresome repetitiveness of the job-offer publicity stunt, Suroeste said he expects a “decent number of lazy, clickbait-hungry media outlets” to run the press release.
“I’m sure the release will include a snarky quote that makes a half-assed attempt at being witty, probably a backhanded compliment or two and some minimal thematic connection to the person or situation that inspired the offer,” he said. “Fundamentally partisan, deeply biased content aggregators that enjoy pretending they’re news sites, like Huffpo and Breitbart, eat that shit up every time.”
Adding detail to his prediction, Suroeste said the company making the offer will be either GARISH Entertainment or one of the countless number of sites that have retained porn publicist Mike Kulolik and his firm Un Truc Poney Publicité de Montreal.
“There’s an outside chance the offer could come from the interracial studio known for its Blondes Under Blacks video line, Cat Barf Productions, but my money is on the Kulolik connection,” Suroeste said. “Of course, if there’s any sort of sex tape involved, I’m sure at some point Kenton ‘KP’ Pratt will weigh in with his two cents, as well — if only to remind us all he’s the King of Celebrity Sex Tapes or the Duke of Cam-Girl Pimps or the Earl of Never-Aired Reality TV Shows, or whatever the fuck.”
Asked whether there’s any pssibility the famous person in question might accept the job offer, Suroeste laughed so hard he nearly shit himself.
“Unless the one chick who came over to the porn industry from Real Teen Mothers of Temecula has a sister who’s equally desperate to have people pay attention to her for literally any reason, and she’s the one to whom the offer is made, I think it’s safe to say the offer will not receive a response of any kind, let alone acceptance,” he said.
Suroeste said if history is any indication, the job offer will be the first of many to happen this summer.
“I don’t know if it’s the heat, the pressure of having a movie in theaters that needs to be a blockbuster to turn a profit, or having their kids home from school that drives them crazy, but celebrity misbehavior seems to skyrocket in the summer,” Suroeste said. “Mel Gibson’s infamous ‘sugar tits’ traffic stop was a late-July incident, and just the other day we had 50 Cent running afoul of the law in St. Kitts — which, given the fact he was charged in part for saying the word ‘motherfucker’ on stage, I assume will result in an offer from SmutNucleus to star in an upcoming MILF video.”
