By Francis Phelan
Special to YNOT
NEW YORK – Back in June, when the city of New York first started filtering the online content available via its free Wi-Fi kiosks, I penned a reasonable, rational plea for sanity, asking officials and residents of the city to simply ignore those of us making the most of our freedom of expression by masturbating to porn with the aid of the kiosks.
In the same piece, I also warned the city that if it continued to discriminate against homeless Americans, we would respond with a protest of mass public masturbation the likes of which America hasn’t seen since the University of Arizona chapter of Pi Kappa Phi organized a Guinness Book-worthy on-campus circle jerk in 1996.
Incredibly (and unwisely) the city seems to have ignored my warning, because it has now gone one step further than filtering content on the kiosks by disabling their web browsing function altogether.
“As of Sept. 14, the web browsing function has been removed from all Link tablets,” Mayor Bill “No Fap” de Blasio’s office said in a statement. “This function was removed in order to curb excessive, long-term and inappropriate use of the kiosks.”
Reading between the lines of the vague language of the professional spin doctor, what they’re saying is they removed the function in order to prevent homeless Americans from exercising their God-given civil, Constitutional and human right to publicly masturbate to free porn.
As such, now it’s time for the gloves to come off, the pants to come down and the cocks to be pulled out — and pulled on, as well.
Mr. de Blasio, this is war. I’ve already lined up more than three dozen like-minded and horny tramps, as well as the corporate sponsorship of the giant international porn studio BrainGunk, which will be arming us with mobile devices pre-loaded with porn, so our protest won’t be dependent on your precious “clean” public Wi-Fi.
By the time we’re done, you won’t even know what hit you, de Blasio — unless you’re already sufficiently familiar with the taste, scent or physical sensation of hobo semen, which perhaps you are. Either way, if you think cleaning up spray-painted graffiti is a major pain in the ass for the city, just wait until you get a load of our bum-bukkake.
All shutting down the kiosks’ browsers is going to accomplish is sending guys like me back to the public library. This might satisfy the folks who complained about the long lines of people waiting to masturbate at the kiosks, but probably won’t be well received by the librarians, who have enough trouble as it is with people streaming live sex shows from their study rooms.
Heck, we might even start our “jerk-in” with a nice visit to the 115th St. library. Did you know the library manager there is a person named “Tequila Davis,” by the way? While I don’t know her (or him?), I’d say if there’s anybody in the public library system who is going to stand firmly behind the right of the homeless to stroke it in the stacks, it’s going to be someone named Tequila.
After that, maybe we’ll stroll on over to the East River Ferry and treat a few hundred tourists to the sight of three dozen masturbating homeless men wearing SmutNucleus T-shirts. You know how the ferry’s slogan is “Relax. We’ll Get You There”? Well, just imagine how ‘relaxed’ people will feel as I make long, unbroken eye contact with them while smacking my cock with a rolled-up copy of the Times and repeatedly singing the chorus to Nelly’s “Hot In Herre.”
Trust me, de Blasio, within a few hours of our mass jerk-in kicking off, your office is going to be flooded with calls begging you to reestablish the browsing function on the Link tablets. And if that doesn’t do the trick, me and my crew of homeless knob-polishers is going to show up and flood your office with something decidedly stickier than phone calls.
The clock is ticking, de Blasio. Rather than let it run down to zero at the city’s cum-drenched peril, just do the right thing. Turn the browsers back on, remove the filters and restore masturbatory dignity to your homeless constituents.
This is your final warning. Heed it well, or the next “transmission” you receive from me will be a real drag to clean off your carpet.
