CULVER CITY, Calif. – Like a lot of men, I’m not good at gift-giving. It’s a problem which mixes together many of my less-than-enviable personality traits, like abject laziness, chronic insensitivity, fundamental unoriginality and a tendency to procrastinate in all things.

Being impaired at gift-giving is an especially big problem around this time of year, when all sorts of people who know me feel entitled to receive presents from me, either because we happen to be married to each other, are blood relatives, or just because they spend a great deal of time in proximity to me.

To help work around my serious gifting handicap, I rely a lot on advice from strangers – strangers like Miranda Kane of Metro.co.uk, who has written up a handy list of “6 sex toys that make the perfect Christmas presents.”

As much as I appreciate Kane’s input, right off the bat I see a few potential problems with her Christmas gift suggestions.

First and most obviously, the third item on Kane’s list, a lickable massage candle, is not a “sex toy” – not unless you consider burning your genitals (and/or your tongue, considering the “lickable” part of the equation) the proper function of a sex toy.

More importantly, at a time when people are getting in trouble left and right for inappropriate sexual behavior, Kane’s suggestions all seem questionable, absent some sort of guidance concerning who not to give such gifts to – like, say, one of your coworkers at the NFL Network.

Look, I’m not saying it’s an excuse which would let him off the hook entirely, but maybe when he decided to give sex toys to Jami Cantor, Warren Sapp had just been reading the likes of Kane? Or maybe he’s more into Lauren Goodwin-Grafton, who shares Kane’s enthusiasm for something called “sex crackers” – items which, despite what their name might suggest, are not edible wafers.

Maybe my problem (and Sapp’s) is the presumption these are good ideas for gifts to give to women, especially women on the same or lower run of the corporate ladder as me. Maybe what I should try is giving one of these items to my male boss, thereby removing problematic power dynamics and gender role-assumptions from the bargain.

On the other hand, if I followed Kane’s advice about what do with the Spiral Stainless Steel Male Chastity Device and unceremoniously “clamp(ed) it on during the day itself for some teasing over Twixmas,” I might find myself digitally removed from my job, only to be replaced by Christopher Plummer.

I’m starting to think these Christmas-themed gift idea lists are too limited because the authors are trying to stay on-trend. Instead, maybe I should turn to a different manner of late-year news story cliché – the end of year wrap-up story.

Yes, I believe it’s time to consider the most-loved sex toys of 2017 – or Anna Borges’ most-loved sex toys of 2017, at least.

I like the sound of the Satisfyer Pro Deluxe, in part because Borges describes it as “a suctiony little orgasm machine that requires basically no work.”

No sooner has Borges sung the praises of this device than she starts undermining her own review, however, saying the orgasm derived from the Satisfyer is “a little boring.”

“There’s something sterile and un-sensual about how easy it is,” Borges adds.

Fuck that; if I’m going to get kicked out public office, fired by a sports network or deleted from a major Hollywood film over a gift, I’ll be damned if the recipient is going to find the orgasm achieved through use of the gift a dull, uninspiring affair.

I think the problem here is one of technology – specifically, too much technology in our sex toys. You never hear about anyone from Ghana complaining about boring orgasms from their wooden dildos, after all. Hell, to hear this “Francis” guy tell it, he can scarcely keep up with the demand for his no-batteries-required, all-natural (possibly even organic) wood dongs.

Unfortunately, I don’t live in Ghana, and it appears Francis hasn’t set up an Etsy shop yet, so I guess I’m SOL when it comes to handing out wood cocks at this year’s company Christmas party.

You know, maybe I’m barking up the wrong Christmas tree seeking seasonal gift advice from strangers on the internet. I mean, these articles are helpful and all, but they lack the personal touch. Instead, maybe I should take a page from the “Money” Mayweather playbook and get my sex toy gift advice in person, directly from a “team of curvaceous women.”

Great; all I need now is a couple billion dollars, a rap sheet filled with domestic violence charges and an entourage of curvaceous women willing to overlook one of those two things long enough to go dildo shopping with me…