By Sasha McTush
Special to YNOT
VAN NUYS, Calif. – As a porn performer who has appeared in more than 700 scenes in the past two years alone, I get really sick of hearing every girl who has ever showed her tits on film referred to as a “porn star.”
To me, you shouldn’t be honored with the term until or unless you’ve been in a minimum of 50 scenes, and at least one of those scenes has been either nominated for an XJIZZ Award or racked up 100,000 views on SmutNucleus in its pirated form.
Back in the day, the term “porn star” might not necessarily have been limited to the likes of Jenna Jameson, but it sure as hell didn’t include hardcore nobodies like Melania Trump.
Don’t get me wrong: I know Mrs. Trump is far more famous than I am, but that’s because she married an insufferably obnoxious rich guy from New York who had his own TV show, not because she has actual porn skills — like the ability to take Manuel Ferrara’s entire cock down her throat and lick his balls at the same time without puking, for example.
It’s really simple folks: Melania Trump just hasn’t accomplished enough in the realm of erotica to be considered a porn star. In fact, other than a few really tame, partially nude poses she struck for the British edition of GQ, she’s never even appeared in anything you can legitimately call “porn.”
The thing is, this chick is 46 years old and 15 years removed from the GQ spread everybody makes such a big deal about, and to my knowledge, she’s never sucked one dick on camera.
Are you fucking kidding me? By the time I was 19, I’d not only sucked dick on camera, I’d sucked and fucked twelve dicks on camera at the same time, for my award-winning performance in 1.5 x 8 Is Enough.
Not only has Melania Trump never been nominated for a major adult industry award, she’s never even attended a porn trade show, participated in Pornstar Karaoke, been called a “dum hoare” by Donny Long, had a major public blowout with her talent agency or tackled any of the other prerequisites for modern pornstardom.
It’s not too late for Melania, of course; she’s at the perfect age to star in MILF titles, obviously, and her already high public profile would probably generate a lot of interest — so long as she didn’t insist on performing with that big, loud chunk of butt-ugly, Scottish-American lard she calls a husband, of course. (I’m sure there’s probably some sort of weird gay fetish market for him too, but I can’t imagine there’s much crossover interest in that niche from MILF fans.)
If I were Melania, I’d wait to see how this upcoming election turns out before making a decision about whether to take a real stab at doing porn. Among other things, if her first real scene turned out to be a yawner, the bad reviews could negatively impact her husband’s campaign. Plus, if the Trump-Pence ticket prevails, it would make much more sense from a promotional standpoint to wait until she could legitimately claim to be the first First Lady to do porn.
The naming possibilities for her first feature are endless, but if it were up to me, her debut appearance would be as my partner in a no-holes-barred extreme lesbian scene, admittedly in large part because I’d just really like to know what it feels like to have my forearm inside a billionaire’s wife. We could call it The Fist Lady, or Sisters in Arms-Deep or maybe The Art of the Squeal.
Until something like my vision is actually realized, though, please stop disrespecting me and my pornographic peers by referring to this Penthouse Pet-wannabee as a “porn star.” As the wife of a reality-TV star, you can argue she’s halfway there — but to earn the same title I proudly wear, a woman has to have the resolve to go all the way.
Porn performer Sasha McTush is a longtime contract girl for adult entertainment studio Irritable Angel. McTush has won multiple awards for her work, including the 2016 XJIZZ Awards for “Most Saliva Emitted During a Deepthroat Scene” and “Best Use Of A Personal Blog to Defame an Ex-Boyfriend.”
Image: Donald and Melania Trump at a Manchester, N.H., rally in February 2016. ©Marc Nozell
