KANSAS CITY, Mo. – I’ve always been confused by Kansas City, in no small part because, while the name of the place clearly implies it’s in Kansas, the half of the city stubbornly insists on being in Missouri instead.

Mismatched geographic nomenclature aside, I have a new reason to be confused by something coming out of Kansas City this week: Kansas City Royals pitcher Danny Duffy’s DUI arrest.

On its face, the story seems simple enough. Police cited a baseball player for a violation that could be made into his nickname without ruining the alliterative quality of his given name. (I almost can see the promotional materials for the home games at which the Royals would give out extra wobbly Danny “DUI” Duffy bobblehead dolls to the first 1,000 fans to arrive at Kauffman Stadium.)

The story continued to make sense through the beginning of Duffy’s post-arrest comments, which were appropriately penitent and remorseful if somewhat vague and passive-voice-laden, but reports almost immediately took on a deeply baffling quality.

“I just wanted to say that, for this situation that’s been put at hand, I apologize for the distraction, especially with where the team is at right now,” Duffy said.

See what I mean? Other than Missouri (or perhaps Kansas), where is “the team at” which makes getting pinched for DUI worse than if the team happened to be somewhere else at the time.

“Regardless of whether we’d been on a run or not, this is never a good time for this situation to come about,” Duffy added.

This just makes no sense at all. If the team had been out “on a run” when Duffy was cited, the charge would have been something like public intoxication, not DUI. Is “jogging under the influence” a separate crime under Missouri law?

“To every kid out there that looks up to me, that has read a headline, seen something, looks up to me, I’ll just continue to do great for this city,” Duffy said, continuing his inchoate rambling. “I think, any of you all know me, this is something that’s very difficult to go through. When everything comes out and shakes out, I’m going to be better because of it. I’m standing on a lot of people’s shoulders right now. And a lot of people have done a lot of things to help me get where I’m at.”

He’s standing on people’s shoulders? Wouldn’t this be some sort of violation of the terms of his release, even if he’s right in blaming those people for “where he’s at?”

As confusing as Duffy’s apology might have been, things got a whole lot stranger when Royals General Manager Dayton Moore sat down at the mic.

“We’ve done a lot of leadership stuff with our players,” Moore said. “Very transparent about things that happen in our game, not only with drugs and alcohol. We talk about pornography and the effects of what that does to the minds of players and the distractions, and how that leads to abuse of –- domestic abuse –- to abuse of women. How it impacts relationships. We talk about a lot of things.”

WTF? Was Duffy charged with driving under the influence of porn?

As Moore’s bizarre press conference rolled on, he assured media and fans the Royals are on top of things, and in addition to doing “a lot of leadership stuff,” the team is all about educating its players about how to be good citizens in addition to being good baseball players.

So, what do the Royals do to educate and inform their players?

“Mostly just a lot of awareness, a lot of proactive, a lot of speaking,” Moore said. “Talked to them about the importance of making good choices. We certainly … um … follow Major League Baseball’s protocol with certain things that they want done in educating players.”

While I’m heartened by the fact the Royals have been doing “a lot of proactive” with their players, I’m still a little lost about the role of porn in this whole Danny Duffy DUI kerfuffle.

I understand Moore talks to his players about drugs, alcohol, porn, awareness and making good choices, but I think something must be getting lost in translation. After all, Duffy wasn’t cited just for DUI; he was cited for DUI while sitting in the drive-through window at a fucking Burger King, which really raises questions about Duffy’s dietary discipline –- not to mention his questionable taste in fast food.

And what of these MLB “protocols” to which Moore referred? Is discussing the perils of porn something Rob Manfred has asked teams to do? Also, is the MLB Commissioner still associated with the Earth Band, or are they now touring the world with a bunch of replacement musicians who weren’t a part of the original group? Can Manfred at least clear up the ongoing confusion about the correct lyrics to “Blinded by the Light,” or do I need to ask Bruce Springsteen?

I’m telling you, despite reading multiple articles and watching a couple Royals press conferences, I’m still sure of only two things concerning Kansas City: Fats Domino is going there, and the locals make good barbecue sauce –- two facts which, based on Domino’s impressive girth, may be directly related.

In any event, I’m sure with all the proactive, awareness and speaking to their players about making good decisions the Royals do, the next time Duffy thinks about getting behind the wheel after knocking back a few drinks, he’ll think twice…and at least have the human decency, culinary refinement and good sense to pass out at a Culver’s.

Image © Keith Allison.