LOS ANGELES – There was a time when Kristof Johan Johannesburg (better known within the adult entertainment industry as “QuantumDough Kris”) could tell you stories of debauchery engaged in and lucrative deals done at past adult industry tradeshows in vivid detail, right down to the names of the strippers he unsuccessfully wooed during otherwise productive boat-based webmaster parties in South Florida.
These days, Johannesburg sid, he’s lucky if he even remembers which city hosted the most recent show, much less the names of anybody he met and/or vomited upon while there.
“I don’t know how much of it is memory loss from years of periodic binge drinking and how much of it is my brain finally being overwhelmed by the sheer number of shows I’ve attended since I first got started back in ’97, but these days I can’t even remember when, where or from whom I contracted herpes,” Johannesburg said. “And that’s just sad.”
Flipping through a thick stack of long-forgotten business cards he found tucked away in a desk drawer during a recent QuantumDough office relocation, Johannesburg stopped occasionally, lingering wistfully on cards with names that ring familiar.
“I think this rep from PeakFunds is the same overly flirty, half-hot chick who worked for ApexCoinage for about six months and later at ApogeeGreenbacks, but I’m not sure,” Johannesburg said. “If I’m thinking of the right girl, she always looked at me like someone who was expecting a phone call, or at least an email — not because of any business deal, but maybe because she once gave me head. I can’t swear it happened, but it would explain the sudden drop in exit console traffic we got from them back in 2008.”
Johannesburg said his imprecise recollections aren’t just hampering his ability to maintain and grow business relationships, but also robbing him of once-cherished memories and crucial fodder for masculine storytelling.
“These days when I’m at a sports bar swapping fish tales with my buddies outside of the industry, I have to fudge all the details or I find myself pausing a lot as I try to figure out things like whether the beach I’m talking about puking on was in Cancun, Jamaica or maybe Curacao,” Johannesburg said. “I do know I’ve been to Vegas many, many times, judging by my impressive collection of hotel-casino soaps and terrycloth bathrobes.”
Johannesburg’s boss, QuantumDough Antoine, said sometimes he worries about Johannesburg on a personal level, but he remains confident in the ability of his longtime right-hand man to get things done and represent the company in a professional and appropriate manner.
“Sure, I’ve noticed Kris has some trouble remembering certain things, like names, faces, passwords, policy changes and federal laws,” Antoine said. “But at the same time, Kris is much more than the red-eyed face of QuantumDough. e’s also our palpitating heart and slowly calcifying soul. I can’t imagine anyone else representing our brand, whether it’s at the shows, on the boards or in some squalid Tijuana drunk tank.”
DennyB from SlingingSawbucks said he worries Johannesburg sometimes “parties slightly too hardy until it’s maybe just a little too tardy.”
“Look dude, I spent almost three full semesters as a part-time student at Arizona State back in the day, so you know I can rage with the best of them,” DennyB said. “But sometimes I’m like ‘K-Dog, dude, it’s 4:30 in the morning and it’s time to fight another day, know what I mean?’ But that’s exactly when K-Dog will be all like ‘the night is young’ or ‘there’ll be time to sleep when I’m dead,’ and the next thing you know he’s pulled out some hidden bottle of tequila and he’s texting around to see if anybody has any blow. And then suddenly there are like nine hookers in your hotel room and maybe a goat or two and it’s fucking on, again.”
Despite his memory struggles, Johannesburg said he’s not planning to slow down — or sober up — anytime soon.
“I’m convinced this is what I was born to do,” Johannesburg said. “Schmoozing and boozing — it’s not just my lifestyle, it’s my calling. Wherever there’s an adult industry function and an open bar, you can count on seeing me working the room like a true pro — unless, of course, I’ve already slipped out with Krista from MaxiMoola, or maybe I’m thinking of Sarah from MightyDucats, to do some lines and have a quick poolside bang.”
Image: party during Internext 2002. © FUBAR Webmasters.
