AMES, Iowa – With the 2016 race for the White House still in its infancy, it’s no surprise many voters remain undecided. Within the Republican Party, the race is even more unsettled than on the Democratic side of the fence. Most observers agree the current Democratic frontrunner will be the eventual nominee: former Senator, Secretary of State and First Lady John Kerry Hillary Clinton.
While many voters are expected to support the candidate they believe will do the most to benefit the American economy and create jobs, early polling indicates a surprising percentage of undecided voters are waiting for testimonials of a very specific kind: Porn star endorsements.
“With the ongoing ‘mainstreaming’ of pornography, the porn star is increasingly perceived as being just like any other celebrity,” said Dennis Lawrence, a professor of political science at the ATM Learning Institute and senior political analyst for MSNBCBS. “If people are willing to take seriously the befuddled thoughts and incessant high-pitched whining of people like former Saturday Night Live cast member Victoria Jackson, why should it be any surprise to find they’ll listen to better-looking blondes with less irritating voices?”
Interestingly, voters aren’t necessarily inclined to rely on feedback from only porn stars whose work they have appreciated. Norman Culver, a long-haul trucker from Algona, Iowa, said his most frequent companion (in DVD form) on the road is Juelz Ventura, but the brunette bombshell would not be his first choice as a public figure to turn to for political advice.
“As much as I love to watch her do DP, before I could rely on any endorsement she offers, I’d have to know where Juelz stands on things like immigration, our national energy policy and same-sex marriage,” Culver said. “Honestly, even though I’ve never watched gay porn, I’d like to hear what Brandon from SeanCody.com thinks about climate change, the Planned Parenthood scandal and the best approach to combatting ISIS. He’s real smart, highly educated, very thoughtful and has really intense eyes that simply burn with intelligence — or so I’ve heard, you know, from guys I’ve run into out on the road at truck stops and rest areas and other really manly places.”
Some porn viewers say they’d never considered porn star endorsements before this year, when they found themselves swayed by the insightful and persuasive views recently related in a Forbes article. In some cases, such insight has caused a 180-degree swing in voting intentions on the part of readers.
“Before reading the Forbes article, I was a lifelong, diehard Democrat,” explained Carol Beardsley, a mother of three who resides in Ankeny. “But after Marey Carey pointed out the importance of having a hot First Lady, it really got me thinking about politics on a whole new level of depth. Now, instead of being stuck with choosing between some socialist Jew named ‘Bernie’ and a woman with insanely thick calves who’s married to a red-nosed guy who once stuck a cigar inside an intern, I just need to figure out who’s the hottest between Heidi Cruz, Janet Huckabee and Jeanette Dos Doobies, or whatever the ex-cheerleader’s name might be.”
Not everyone is happy about the newfound political influence of porn stars, of course, including some of the very candidates they support.
“I don’t want, need, or have any interest in receiving political support from harlots, pimps, flesh merchants, human traffickers or scoundrels with digital cameras and classified ads on Craigslist,” said Beryl Langston Larrabee, one of the more obscure candidates to declare his pursuit of the Republican nomination. “They are welcome to send checks to my campaign and we will happily cash those checks, but their donations will buy them not one ounce of influence, not one iota of goodwill and not one moment of mercy once I occupy the White House and begin my campaign to rebuild America as a force for decency and righteousness.”
Larrabee qualified his remark somewhat, however, by conceding “some donations make more of an impression than others.”
“I’m operating under the assumption these porno people don’t have a whole lot of cash to throw around these days, what with all the content piracy, tube sites, torrents and whatnot,” Larrabee said. “But if it turns out one of the Koch Brothers is also a ‘Cock Brutha,’ then all bets are off, obviously.”
Even with their growing influence, is it really possible the opinions of porn stars could affect the outcome of the election? Lawrence said people should not be too quick to discount the possibility.
“You have to remember, for most of the 1960s the very idea of Ronald Reagan winning any kind of election was a joke,” Lawrence said. “Back then, nobody believed some Hollywood actor had any place in politics. Less than 20 years later, Reagan was elected President of the United States of America. Should this pattern repeat itself over the next 20 years, by the time the 2036 election rolls around, winning the electoral votes of Texas may become less important than winning the endorsement of Alexis Texas.”
