KAMPALA, Uganda – There’s news both good and bad for Ugandans with the imminent arrival of their country’s much-anticipated, Korean-engineered pornography detection machine. The device is called for under under the Anti-Pornography Act of 2014 (APA), along with the creation of a new government agency, the Pornography Control Committee (PCC).
On the one hand, if the porn-detection machine (PDM) delivers on its promise, Ugandan computers, cell phones, televisions and other devices will be equipped with a mechanism that identifies pornography, including porn already deleted from the device’s hard drive before it was scanned by the porn-detector.
In the “pro” column, these capabilities of the PDM will be a great boon to Ugandans who have always wanted to spend time in prison but couldn’t bring themselves to rob a bank, kidnap a tourist or otherwise get themselves into deep shit, legally speaking.
Under the APA, anyone who produces, traffics in, publishes, broadcasts, procures, imports, exports, sells or abets any form of pornography will be punished with “a fine not exceeding five hundred currency points or imprisonment not exceeding 10 years or both.” (I’m not entirely sure what a “currency point” is, but I assume it’s something akin to the “Gil” from the Final Fantasy series.)
Under the construction of the APA, downloading internet porn would fall under the prohibition against “procuring” porn, so if you’re a Ugandan who likes visiting Pornhub but you don’t want to spend up to 10 years in prison, you might reconsider this form of leisure activity once the PDM has been deployed.
Another positive of the PDM, especially for Ugandans who worry their government hasn’t been paying enough attention to them, is how helpful it will be in maintaining and growing the Register of Pornography Offenders established by the APA.
Under the APA, every person convicted of an offense covered by the law is recorded in the register, along with their name, telephone number and home address, making it easy to find them for future compliance monitoring –- or should some puritanical religious extremist want to beat up a few certified perverts to blow off a little steam.
I know what you’re thinking: With all these great benefits, what could possibly be found in the “con” column when assessing the arrival of the PDM?
As is often the case with machines that automate functions previously handled by humans, the PDM is inevitably going to put some Ugandans out of a job. Ironically, it seems the first Ugandans to lose their jobs to the PDM will be the members of the PCC itself.
In the section of the APA establishing the PCC, the law clearly delineates the purpose and mission of the committee. The PCC’s functions include taking all measures to ensure the early detection and prohibition of pornography; ensuring perpetrators of pornography are apprehended and prosecuted; educating and sensitizing the public about pornography; promoting the rehabilitation of individuals, groups, families or communities affected by pornography; and collecting and destroying pornographic objects with the assistance of the police.
Of the items listed above, only the last sounds like a function the PDM isn’t equipped to perform on its own. Even this limitation is likely temporary, because as we edge ever closer to Robocop becoming a reality, it’s only a matter of time before the PDM evolves into a mobile, self-directed Porn Terminator bent on destroying every last bit of erotic filth in Uganda – after which it will, presumably, hunt down and execute Ronny Cox.
If you’re thinking the PCC really should have seen this coming and moved to proactively prevent the arrival of a machine which would obviate the reason for the Committee’s existence, cut them some slack; one of the jobs the APA explicitly tasked the PCC with was expediting “the development or acquisition and installation of effective protective software in electronic equipment such as computers, mobile phones and televisions for the detection and suppression of pornography.”
In other words, like so many in middle-management before them, the PCC was assigned the job of finding and training its own replacement.
So, as we applaud Uganda for its stalwart efforts to combat the scourge of sexually-explicit media flooding the country, let’s also take just a moment to mourn the inevitable loss of nine prominent Ugandan jobs – and, most likely, the inevitable loss of Michael Keaton, as well.
