AUSTIN, Texas – Following a furious six-hour adult tube surfing session last week, Buford Harrison Palms had more than a chapped penis shaft to show for his efforts: The 43-year-old IT professional’s prodigious wankfest also spawned a record 13,146 pop-under advertising consoles, obliterating the previous record of 8,427 set in 2012.
“When I sat down that evening, I was just looking for a good gangbang video,” Palms said at a press conference following the certification of his record by the publishers of the Newcastle Book of World Computing Records. “I never imagined my desire to masturbate to group sex videos would lead to an accomplishment of such prominence.”
NBWCR Commissioner Giuseppe Alessandri lauded Palms for his “sincere dedication, fierce determination and remarkable stamina.”
“A lesser competitor might have succumbed to orgasm long before reaching the previous record, much less before doubling it,” Alessandri said. “To set this record takes more than idle time, a strong libido and substantial quantities of RAM. It also takes the resolute heart of a champion — and the resilient penis of one, as well.”
Palms credited his experiences as a college student and a former gig as a night watchman in an Austin warehouse for giving him a solid foundation for a future of masturbating his way into the record books.
“My roommate usually stayed at his girlfriend’s place during freshman year, so I often had the room to myself all night, and when I was working security at the warehouse, there were hours at a time when there was nothing to do but surf Usenet and TGPs,” Palms said. “Quality free porn was harder to come by back then, so I also developed a lot of patience — and I think maybe an extra layer of skin on my dick, too.”
The certification of Palms’ record did not come without controversy. Two previous record-holders are questioning the veracity of the record, albeit for different reasons.
“There’s no way a standard PC, laptop or tablet can support so many open browser windows at once, so there’s no doubt in my mind this guy somehow circumvented the rules against using supercomputers and banned clusters,” said Arturo Manos de Pelo, who held the record prior to 2012 with a total of 1,357 open windows, of which nearly 900 were ads for Live Jasmin. “Personally, I think the NBWCR certification process needs to be much more transparent, so we can know for sure everything was done by the book, without the aid of industrial technology or performance enhancing substances like Viagra and Cialis.”
Enhancing Manos de Pelo’s suspicion is the fact Palms once worked at the Texas Advanced Computing Center in Austin, home to the “Stampede,” a 5.1 petaflops system with a staggering 462,462 cores, capable of performing upwards of 10 trillion operations per second.
While Palms acknowledged his past work at the TADC, he declined to comment when asked whether there was anything special or customized about the system used to reach the record. Alessandri said only the system was “a powerful consumer system, clearly built for video gaming and extensive porn video streaming,” but declined to answer whether officials investigated Manos de Pelo’s claim the machine had more than the 10 cores permitted under the NBWCR charter.
Another former record-holder, Jean-Actif Poignet of Paris, said whether or not Palms cheated to reach the new mark, records set in the “tube age” should be counted separately from those established using older technologies and less advanced content distribution platforms.
“When I set the record for greatest console du sugir, I did not have even the broadband,” Poignet said. “The pages were mostly HTML du plat, maybe avec un peu de Javascript, and always the Netscape or Opera it crash long before you can make the thousands consoles. Back then, the porn surfer he was pure, seeking only the porno, not out to make records in some silly book using the supercomputers and pilules du pénis.”
Lihua Qingling, the history professor from Wuhan University who accidentally set the record of 8,427 consoles when her university-issued laptop was infected with a virus as the result of a prank played on her by one of her students, declined to comment for this article.
