HOLLYWOOD, S.C. – Just in time for Christmas, I was given the assignment of heading out to Hollywood, Calif. to investigate an explosive rumor emanating from the heart of celebrity Babylon. The salacious suggestions involved an aging but still much-adored movie star, his equally famous enormous, furry, constantly growling sidekick, a certain very thin actress and suspicions of a long-running romantic affair.
Somewhere along the line, though, my travel itinerary got a little screwed up. Instead of spending the day asking pointed questions to representatives of major motion picture studios about the rumors involving John Lithgow, “Harry” and Rachel Zoe, I’m sitting in a South Carolina motel contemplating the possibility of finding a new travel agent.
While I’m at it, I thought I would reflect on the 10 best Christmas-themed porno movies ever made. This set of carnal classics always puts me in the mood for giving — although I must admit, I’m not sure whether there’s anyone on my Christmas list who really needs another three fluid ounces of my famous homemade holiday semen.
10. Teens Who Crave Big Yule Logs (2012, Zero Balance): Possibly the filthiest holiday film since A Charlie Browneye Christmas, what this video lacked in titular originality it more than made up for in thrilling hardcore teen action. From the opening moments of the first scene — in which Santa climbs down the chimney then climbs straight back up Sasha McTush’s puckered anus — to the cum-splattered closing of the 12-man “elf-bang,” this one is wall-to-wall holiday humping of the highest order.
9. It’s A Wonderful MILF (2007, Veracity Regents): In her debut as a MILF, Nadya Knoxers, the 26-year-old winner of the previous year’s Best Teen Anal Scene, delivers a fiery performance as Mildred, a lonely housewife who has developed a crippling obsession with James Stewart movies. She can only overcome her carnal urges through interracial double-penetration. Luckily for Mildred, a pair of well-hung African-American men intercede, showing her what life would be like if she’d never divorced the nerdy white guy with micropenis syndrome.
8. Christmas With The Kinks (2005, Digital Iniquities): With their daughter out of town for the holidays, Lou and Vera Kink decide to convert their basement into a BDSM dungeon, only to be caught off-guard when their daughter unexpectedly shows up for Christmas. Luckily, her new fiancé is Master Pete, who severely disciplines three generations of Kinks, including grandma Betty, and forces them to watch as he eats the Christmas ham while they haplessly struggle against their restraints.
7. Santa Clause Is Cumming to Town (1978, Michaels Brothers): While somewhat “tame” by modern standards, this 1978 release caused great controversy when it hit 42nd Street theaters. Particular consternation arose due to a crudely animated sequence in which the Winter Warlock and Kris Kringle tag-team Jessica, the “cumly” schoolteacher.
6. Rudolph The Red-Hosed Reindeer (1989, Abraham & Sarah Pictures): You’ll never guess which glowing body part Rudolph uses to guide Santa’s sleigh in this one!
5. Toys In Babeland (1992, VCR Pictures): To stop Tom the Piper’s Son from marrying Mary Quite Contrary, the evil miser Barnaby steals all of Mary’s vibrators, tempting her to cheat on Tom with Gonzo and Rod, Barnaby’s henchmen. But the henchmen double-cross Barnaby by inviting Tom to join them for a raucous four-way. On top of the hot, kinky sex, this one is also recommended for its soundtrack, which includes a “Seattle grunge” reinterpretation of Johann Sebastian Bach’s Christmas Oratorio.
4. The Adult Shop Around the Corner (1984, Klandestine Video): A touching story about how love and the Christmas spirit really do conquer all, The Adult Shop Around the Corner tells of two adult store clerks who can barely stand one another — until they’re tricked into occupying adjacent video booths that share a glory hole, inevitably leading to the deeply unifying and mutually gratifying act of anonymous fellatio.
3. Homo Alone (1991, Wilde’s Stallions Pictures): This innovative solo male masturbation video spices things up by featuring well-known gay porn stars jerking off while simultaneously trying to fend off holiday intruders using a series of cleverly constructed “booty traps.” Legendary gay porn performer Joe Felchi shines in a non-sex role as the hapless Hairy Lime, providing comic relief between each wanking vignette as he tries in vain to puzzle his way through a series of dildo- and vibrator-based ambushes.
2. The Balls of St. Mary (2003, Assmodeus Pictures): The only transgender video on this list, this groundbreaking holiday porno features the bodacious Bing Bergman in a dual role as both Father O’Manly and Sister Mary Hassadich. Beyond its thematic courage, the film is notable for its creative use of body doubles and sophisticated CGI. Special effects are especially impressive in the movie’s climactic three-way scene, in which Bergman’s characters join seductive forces to win over the skeptical (and ostensibly heterosexual) Joe Gallagher to their cause.
1. The Man Who Came On Dinner (2015, GastroPube films): The most recent release on my list is also the top dog, due in part to its brilliant unification of various pop-culture and porn trends. Aimed squarely at the internet’s rapidly growing number of self-described “foodie fetishists,” the debut film from new adult studio GastroPube relates the tale of caustic restaurant critic Sherinmai Whitecock, who slips on the front step of a restaurant to which he was about to give a viciously bad review. Having broken his leg in the fall, Whitecock is then ordered by a doctor to take up temporary residence in the restaurant, where he is often left alone in the kitchen — with very ‘salty’ results.
