MONTGOMERY, Ala. – Over the course of my life, I’ve come up with quite a number of get-rich-quick schemes. Sometimes they’ve been simple; other times complex. Sometimes they’ve been illegal; other times they’ve been at least arguably not illegal. Each of these plans has worked brilliantly in its every aspect, facet and detail — except, unfortunately, for the “getting rich” part.

For many years, the most promising among these concepts was my plan to combine three of the most successful modern business models out there into a single moneymaking monolith: The Faith Fellowship First Baptist Church, Hotel, Casino and Gentlemen’s Club of Houston.

In addition to zoning issues, this idea ran into completely unanticipated resistance from the very patrons and parishioners it was designed to serve. Apparently, a lot of Southern Baptist types are opposed to topless entertainment and gambling, which really makes me wonder what they do with their time on Saturday nights — but I suppose also helps to explain how they manage to consistently arrive at church in a timely manner on Sunday mornings.

The failed alternative mega-church plan didn’t dampen my enthusiasm for Southern business ventures, however. Following an aborted attempt to carve out a fortune selling evaporative cooling units in rural Louisiana (by the way, why do they call those fucking things “swamp coolers” when they don’t function well in high humidity, and does this mean “snow shovels” actually only work when it’s hot out?), I set my sights on the lucrative territory of Alabama.

Emboldened by Google data showing Alabama residents are among the top porn-searchers in the country and bolstered by the large number of Alabamansters Alabaminions Alabalamaniacs people from Alabama found in the compromised Dolly Ashley Madison database, I began acquiring commercial property, vacant lots and abandoned double-wide trailers in the state as Phase One of my latest surefire, can’t-miss venture: a brick and mortar Alabama Porn Empire, an effort I’ve cleverly dubbed “Operation APE.”

Operation APE was going great and everything was right on schedule, but then one of my assistants sent me a link to an article reporting the Alabama legislature is strongly considering a “porn tax” of 40-fucking-percent on “the gross receipts resulting from the sale or rental of sexually-oriented material the sale or rental of which is prohibited to a minor as defined herein.”

First, aside from being totally unconstitutionish and a clear violation of one amendment or another, I find it pretty rude and unfair for the legislature to refer to my receipts as “gross.” I understand they don’t approve of porn stores and strip clubs, but there’s just no reason to start name-calling or “paper-shaming” here.

Second, this new porn tax would be a total buzzkill from the perspective of adult entrepreneurs like myself, should it pass. In the Digital Age, it’s hard enough to get people through the doors at a brick-and-mortar porn shop without Uncle Sam’s inbred state-government-cousins slapping a 40-percent premium on top of the sticker price.

Fourth, what the fuck am I supposed to do with the 17 acres of land I purchased outside of Beloit to serve as the future home of Ben Suroeste’s Good Times Gentleman’s Club and BBQ Chicken Shack? I already tried to sell it to the good folks at Hopewell Church as a means to expand their existing parking infrastructure, but they seem to think it would be overkill for a congregation of around 60 people — and unless all 60 of them happen to be long-haul truckers who drive their big rigs to church every Sunday, I suppose I can see their point.

Setting aside all the reasons this new porn tax sucks for me and Operation APE, it also sucks for current dancers, strip club owners, porn store employees, porn fans, would-be strip club sugar daddies and the state’s current Governor, Robert Bentley — who may or may not be related to singer Dierks Bentley, who topped the charts with “What Was I Thinkin’?” in 2003.

Whether or not Gov. Bentley is related to Dierks Bentley, he will find himself retroactively questioning his previous mental state, should he eventually sign the new porn tax into law.

Among other things, Gov. Bentley is a dude, which we all know means he’s into porn and going to strip clubs (that’s just how dudes work, dude). Even if he watches porn online for free, does he really want the $5 cover at Club Volcano to jump all the way up to $7? Even worse, a $50 lap dance is now going to run him a whopping $70 — and that’s gotta sting a bit, even on a governor’s salary.

Gov. Bentley, I’m pleading with you now, dude to dude: If this porn tax comes across your desk, you must do the right thing and veto it. Anything less will result in rampant lap dance price inflation, a tailspin in statewide porn sales and a general descent into blue-balled chaos that will make the tenure of George “Segregation Forever” Wallace look like the good old days.

Alternatively, if you just can’t bring yourself to veto the porn tax … perhaps you’d be interested in picking up a nice 17-acre parcel of land abutting I-22 in central Dallas County?