HERZLIYA, Israel – For some reason, in their unrelenting search for truth, or for something close enough to truth to justify applying for a grant, researchers are constantly fucking with college students.

Back when I was a college student, researchers did things like trick us into thinking we were torturing people with electric shocks, I believe with the goal of proving we’d all make terrific heads of state in the future.

My favorite of these experiments involved showing me and some other students a bunch of drawn lines, then surreptitiously telling several of my “fellow subjects” to say they believed the clearly shorter line was longer than the longest line on the page, with the apparent goal of driving me fucking insane with righteous frustration.

(The primary result of the experiment, by the way, was the decision to ban me from all future psychological investigation on campus, because it was either that or hire additional custodial staff to deal with the increasing number of large blood stains on the testing center’s carpet.)

These days, the experiments conducted on college students seem to be less focused on detecting and/or creating sociopaths on campus, and more focused on confusing the shit out of freelance writers who try to make sense of the resulting research paper’s abstract.

In this case, the study I’m trying to make sense of is called (and I swear I’m not making this up) “Sex Unleashes Your Tongue: Sexual Priming Motivates Self-Disclosure to a New Acquaintance and Interest in Future Interactions.”

Here’s the thing: Individually, I know what each of those words means, but collectively all they mean to me is I need to wash down a handful of ibuprofen with a few shots of tequila.

Luckily, things do get somewhat clearer once you get past the title. Just in case, though, I’m going to break down each of its elements and conclusions with my patented Layman’s Translation system.

“Research has demonstrated the contribution of sexual activity to the quality of ongoing relationships,” the abstract begins. “Nevertheless, less attention has been given to how activation of the sexual system affects relationship-initiation processes.”

Layman’s Translation: There’s lots of science about interpersonal relations generally, but to date nobody has investigated the precise science behind the pre-date jerkoff joke in There’s Something About Mary.

“Three studies used complementary methodologies to examine the effect of sexual priming on self-disclosure, a relationship-promoting behavior,” the abstract continues.

Layman’s Translation: We done studied up this shit three times, because spilling your guts to people promotes “intimacy” — not hubba-hubba intimacy, but the kind of intimacy your girlfriend probably wants, which involves talking about feelings, snuggling for what seems like an excessive period and pretending you like (or at least don’t hate) her favorite bands.

“In Study 1, participants were subliminally exposed to sexual stimuli (vs. neutral stimuli), and then disclosed over Instant Messenger a personal event to an opposite-sex stranger.”

Layman’s Translation: We took some poor college nerds, flashed some porn at them, then made them text sensitive personal information about themselves to some chick or dude they don’t know at all. Are we psychologists total dicks, or what?

“Results showed that merely thinking about sex, even without being aware of it, encouraged self-disclosure.”

Layman’s Translation: College kids don’t know how to keep their goddamn mouths shut, especially once you get them all hyped up with thoughts about sexy time. (Side note: As an alternative, filling college kids up with booze for the same purpose usually works, too.)

There’s more to the abstract, but it’s way too dull to deal with, even after I translate it. So, to learn more about this study, let’s turn to the most trusted online source available: British tabloids.

As lead researcher Dr. Gurit E. Birnbaum, a woman whose first name is unacceptable to every manner of spell-check software in existence, explained, “people reciprocate to these advances, and that initiates a positive cycle of intimacy.

“Disclosing personal information makes the other person like you more, thereby motivating him or her to reciprocate,” Birnbaum said. “Consequently, you get the impression that this person likes you, and you react by liking him or her more — we tend to like people who like us — and behave accordingly, for example by being nicer, flirting or complimenting. Overall, sex starts a positive cycle of getting closer to a stranger that may eventually build emotional connection between previously unacquainted people.”

OK, this all makes some sense to me, but let’s hear more about what the researchers showed these college students to loosen them up, and how they know it worked.

Per the article, “Students who were shown a naked picture of a member of the opposite sex for just 0.03 seconds were more willing to go on a blind date than those shown a picture of a fish.”

Hm. By chance, did any of the participating students ask something along the lines of “Why the fuck did you just show me a picture of a fish, then ask me if I want to go on a date with a stranger, you bespectacled freak?”

I have other questions, of course. Here are a few that immediately come to mind.

How about showing the students a non-sexual picture of a human member of the opposite sex, instead? Might this approach elicit a more blind-date-enthusiastic response than showing people some random fish pic?

What if the fish were depicted in lingerie? Would some percentage of the students then be willing to go on a date with it?

What kind of fish are we talking about here? While I’m sure we all agree there’s nothing too sexy about a common carp, as a fan of oral sex I’d say a date with a “suckermouth catfish” sounds like it has real promise.

Do the researchers have a government-issued ID on file for the fish, or do they not have to worry about 2257 because this research took place in Israel?

Regardless the answers to these important questions, I suppose the good news here is there’s now a study out there involving people looking at pornography which, in a welcome change from concluding something horribly negative about porn, suggests looking at 0.03 seconds of the stuff is a terrific way to prepare for a blind date.

The bad news is, of course, if you go out to dinner on that same blind date and happen to order fish…