WASHINGTON – With the world’s increasingly paranoid attention largely focused on ISIS, the rapid and troubling growth of another terrorist organization appears to have gone almost entirely unnoticed by both the American national security bureaucracy and the international media.
Even normally prescient President-elect Donald Trump (who has retroactively predicted with unerring accuracy things like the invasion of Iraq turning into a debacle) has been entirely silent about this emerging threat to democracy, liberty and Western values.
I’m speaking, of course, of Sybians, a remorseless group of vicious terrorists who attack by emitting crippling waves of vibration that quickly reduce human targets to shuddering masses of lip-quivering, obscenity-whimpering nakedness.
While my intelligence sources had precious little to offer in terms of background information about the Sybians, based on the name of the group, my hunch is they hail from the region along the border between Syria and Libya. That means, among other things, Sybians may be able to breathe underwater and underground.
Thus far, I’ve had little luck getting members of the intelligence and law enforcement communities to take seriously the Sybian threat. I’m shocked by their disinterest and inattention, not only because these are the same people who once underestimated ISIS, but because the evidence of the Sybian threat is piling up day by day, right before our very eyes.
Consider the following revelations about Sybians, all of which have been written about right here on YNOT:
Just like ISIS and other Middle Eastern terror groups, the Sybians are constantly releasing propaganda videos.
Sybians now have at their disposal special “silicone attachments,” bizarre appendages which I can only assume they will use to attack us like a porn-crazed Islamic Dr. Octopus.
The Sybians have established training camps, wherein they plan to recruit and radicalize one of America’s most vulnerable populations: Sex geeks.
Just as al Qaeda and other terror organizations have occasionally joined forces against America, the Sybians recently struck some sort of deal with a radical group called “Sliquid.”
In an attempt to get American Christians to let down their collective guard, Sybians have co-opted a popular symbol of Christmas. (Don’t be fooled, folks; it’s not one of Santa’s reindeer these Sybians are trying to convince you to ride!)
In what doubtlessly is an attempt to defeat ethnic profiling on the part of American law enforcement, Sybians are actively recruiting White people to their cause.
Despite this mounting evidence, my attempts to alert the FBI, CIA, NSA, FFA and other agencies to the Sybian threat has thus far been met with indifference, skepticism and even outright mockery.
“Take your goddamn meds and stop sending me these ridiculous fucking emails before I send a rapid response team to your house to waterboard your stupid ass,” responded a senior member of the FBI’s Joint Terrorism Task Force when I passed along a tip about a warehouse in West Covina, Calif., that allegedly is used to house hundreds of Sybian sleeper agents.
“For the last time Mr. Suroeste, the ATF does not have jurisdiction over sexual pleasure devices,” came the confusing, entirely irrelevant response from a special agent at the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms when I alerted him to the Sybians’ development of a new weapon called a “lube cube.”
“What are you, some kind of nut?” asked an official from the Pentagon when I expressed concern about militant Sybians infiltrating the country through our porous southern border. “For God’s sake, quit smoking all that wacky weed and get yourself a real job, son.”
As you can plainly see, my crusade to raise awareness of the Sybian threat is running up against the same old roadblocks that have always hampered our country’s intelligence-gathering and counterterrorism efforts: Systemic apathy, an utter void of creative thinking and a near-obsessive fascination with “confirmable facts.”
By now, it’s clear our government will not act against the Sybians until after a tragic, large-scale attack has occurred, when it will be too late to stop all the violence, panic and needless, excessively noisy climaxing. In the meantime, the best we can do as citizens is remain vigilant, have each other’s backs — and do our best to keep our pants on, no matter what.
