ATLANTA – How many Americans now remember, or ever realized in the first place, there was an H1N1 flu outbreak in 2009 that reached a level where public health officials declared it a pandemic?

How many would recall then-President Obama declaring this strain of “swine flu” a national emergency?

At a time when more and more state legislatures are issuing or considering resolutions declaring porn to be a “public health crisis” (South Dakota being the latest example), it might be instructive to look at past public health crises — and to ask ourselves if we can actually picture the U.S. government taking any real action to address porn as one.

If you look at the advice the Center for Disease Control offers to the public for dealing with public health emergencies, for example, it’s hard to find anything that would even remotely apply to the “crisis” of pornography as it’s described in these nonbinding resolutions.

Nowhere in the CDC’s recommended emergency preparedness kit details is there anything about installing a filter on your browser. Granted, it’s never a bad idea to keep handy a few days’ worth of food and water, even absent an emergency of any kind, but it’s hard to see how these things will prevent someone from masturbating too often.

It’s also important in a health crisis, says the CDC, for people to have a plan for “how you will contact one another” and what sort of “special steps you will take in different types of emergency situations.”

Hmmm. Offhand, I think I’ll use my phone to contact other people — unless it has become locked down due to contracting a porn-delivered virus from some sketchy off-deck Android market, of course.

Also helpful in a health crisis, per the CDC, is to “stay informed,” including by “contacting your local emergency management agency to find out what kinds of emergencies could happen in your area.”

Oh sure, I can picture this being a very constructive conversation:

Ben: Hello. I’m calling to find out what sort of porn emergencies could happen in my area. Should I be on the watch for falling semen, or what?

EMA Operator: Sir… I’m calling the police.

Awesome. I feel safer — and less depraved — already!

Maybe the language of one of these nonbinding resolutions can provide some clarity on what sort of actions, exactly, the legislators are calling for in light of this ongoing public health crisis.

“Now, therefore, be it resolved, by the Senate of the Ninety-Second Legislature of the State of South Dakota, the House of Representatives concurring therein, that the Legislature recognizes the public health crisis created by pornography in this state and acknowledges the need for education, prevention, research, and policy change at the community and societal level in order to address the epidemic that is harming the people of our state and our country as a whole.” (Emphasis added.)

OK, so what does “prevention” look like in this context? How about “policy change”? Should I cut off my penis myself to discourage future porn-induced erections, or will the feds handle that part?

When it comes to “education,” what do these legislators have in mind? Are they advocates for increasing and improving sex education in schools — the one thing that might make sense as a means of preparing young people for a world chock-full of porn?

Given the conservative bent of many of the sponsors of these resolutions and other recent proposals, I doubt very much this education would amount to anything more than a recasting of the Reagan Era “Just Say No” approach, only with significantly less saxophone this time, hopefully.

While I haven’t called to ask (I think they still have my number blocked in the aftermath of my questions about the alleged connections between the Zika virus and some progressive pizza joint/Democratic sex club in D.C.), my strong hunch is the CDC doesn’t have pornography on its list public health crises for which their agency must be prepared. Which is a shame, honestly. I’d love to hear what Tom Frieden thinks I should put in my porn outbreak Go-Bag.