SAN DIEGO – In a paper published last month in the journal Behavioral Sciences, physicians working for the U.S. Navy reported a massive increase in erectile dysfunction among young servicemen. The Navy doctors hypothesized the increase is directly connected to internet porn use.

“Internet pornography’s unique properties (limitless novelty, potential for easy escalation to more extreme material, video format, etc.) may be potent enough to condition sexual arousal to aspects of internet pornography use that do not readily transition to real-life partners, such that sex with desired partners may not register as meeting expectations and arousal declines,” the researchers stated in the paper.

While many commentators see the report as gravely concerning, or at the very least a reason to “keep the conversation going” about porn’s presumed negative impact, I’m inclined to see a silver lining in the numbers reported by the naval researchers.

According to the Navy doctors’ report, a 2014 study of new ED diagnoses in active duty servicemen found the ED rates more than doubled between 2004 and 2013. To me, that sounds like a lot fewer servicemen focused on their erect penises and a lot more servicemen focused on defending my freedoms.

Look, if what you want from your career is to get laid a lot or to develop a fabulous married life filled with satisfying sex (HAH!), the military probably isn’t the place for you — and the Navy sure as fuck isn’t the service branch to join.

Consider this: If a guy is out in the middle of the goddamn ocean on a ship, unless he’s planning on sticking it inside one of his seafaring peers, what good does having an erection do him, really?

What if the sailor in question has responsibilities that include food preparation? Do you seriously think his fellow seamen are going to be pleased to see him actively pitching a tent while he’s spooning mashed potatoes onto their lunch trays?

Beyond that, some of the subject sailors whose cases are examined in this paper sure seem to have bigger problems than excessive jerking to online porn. Consider one unidentified sailor referenced in the study, a 20-year-old who “presented with difficulties achieving orgasm during intercourse for the previous six months.” In addition to admittedly (and frequently) masturbating for hours at a time, this fellow also had at one point purchased a “fake vagina” to help him achieve orgasm.

“This device was initially so stimulating that he reached orgasm within minutes,” according to the report. “However, as was the case with internet pornography, with increased use, he needed longer and longer to ejaculate, and eventually he was unable to orgasm at all.”

Later, the young man’s doctor “explained to him that use of a sex toy had potentially desensitized his penile nerves and watching hardcore internet pornography had altered his threshold for sexual stimulation.”

The doctor then advised the sailor to “stop using the toy and watching hardcore internet pornography.” The serviceman had success with the former, but not the latter instruction.

“By the time he was seen by the urologist a few weeks later, he had cut down on internet pornography use significantly, although he said he could not completely stop,” according to the report. “He ceased using the toy. He was having orgasms again through intercourse with his fiancée, and their relationship had improved. The urologist’s evaluation was normal.”

So, if I’m following this correctly, the guy whose ED was being “caused” by watching internet porn didn’t actually stop watching internet porn, but still recovered from the porn-induced ED simply by cutting back on porn and ceasing with the fucking of a fake pussy?

Am I missing something here, or does it sound like this kid’s real problem was trying to solve his initial ejaculatory problem by repeatedly sticking his cock inside a piece of molded rubber and fucking it until he gave it an even-creepier-than-real creampie?

Either way, with due respect to all the sailors having trouble getting it up, I don’t really give a shit about them flying their crotch-flags at half-mast as a result of jerking off excessively and/or fucking pocket pussies.

Frankly, given the nature of their work, if a temporary work stoppage on the part of their penis is the worst thing sailors experience during their enlistment, the next bit of therapy they undertake should include staring out across the seas in the general direction of the Middle East and thanking their lucky fucking stars.