AUSTIN, Texas – I’ve been reading about SB 3003 and HB 1549, two Texas bills that seek to further restrict and regulate the sale of “obscene devices” in the state. And no, they don’t mean keychains that make fart sounds when you squeeze them; by “obscene devices” they mean the items some folks refer to as “sex toys” or “adult pleasure products” or “more effective than my partner.”

One of the two bills makes it a crime to knowingly sell an obscene device to a person who is under 18 years old, the other prohibits business other than “sexually oriented” businesses from selling obscene devices at all.

These bills are a good start, but I think if the state of Texas really wants to make it a pain in the ass to get some device-delivered pleasure in the ass, there are several other measures legislators should consider inserting – slowly at first, then with increasing intensity – into these bills.

First, if Texas is going to allow businesses to sell obscene devices anywhere in the state, clearly there will be costs associated with enforcing the regulations to which those devices are subject. To defray such costs, Texas should implement mandatory Obscene Device Tax Stamps that certify each and every dildo, vibrator, butt plug and Dallas Cowboys bumper sticker is (a) truly, verifiably obscene according to the relevant definitions under state law and (b) has been duly inspected by some pitiable bureaucrat employed by the state.

To make things more fun, the state could even hold a “Design Our Dildo Tax Stamp” competition on social media – open only to adults who are lawful citizens of both Texas and the United States, of course.

Another, much more concerning shortcoming of HB 1549 and SB 3003 is that neither bill addresses the dangerous scourge of “ghost dildos.” Just like “ghost guns,” counter to what the name implies, ghost dildos aren’t obscene devices used by or on ghosts – they are homemade dildos, built from easily acquired building blocks and/or items commonly available in the produce section at H-E-B.

As currently written, both bills risk the state being left behind by obscene device technology in other critical ways, as well. Nowhere in either bill do I see responsible, reasonable limitations set on any of the dangerous ‘features’ common to modern, more technologically sophisticated obscene devices, for example.

Just as commonsense gun regulations often limit the rate of fire enabled by certain firearms, the state of Texas ought to limit the amount, variety and speed of oscillation, vibration and suction manufacturers of obscene devices can offer. Even if people are knowingly driving down the road to perdition, there ought to be a speed limit, dammit!

Without provisions to protect Texans from ghost dildos, 3D-printed dildos, DIY “drilldos,” cucumbers, certain extraordinary (typically organic) carrots, HB 1549 and SB 3003 will fail to secure the state against the growing, throbbing, admittedly intriguing threat of obscene devices.

If you are a Texan who cares about the right of your fellow citizens to live free from the fear the threat of obscene devices, or even if you just like writing letters to people you don’t know, I urge you to write your representatives and senators today and urge them to adopt these and other common sense measures to keep other people from masturbating in ways that make us feel uncomfortable – or, God forbid, use obscene devices in any number of ways that have been shown to benefit one’s sexual wellness.

Ghost image by Kamboompics.com from Pexels