STERLING HEIGHTS, Mich. – In what appears to be a general counteroffer to a spate of job opportunities recently extended to a several well-known and controversial people of faith by various adult entertainment studios, Michigan-based televangelist Jack Van Gaublin has put a valuable proposal of his own on the table: In exchange for coming up with a new manner of publicity stunt, Van Gaublin will provide “$250,000 worth of Biblical prophecy and scripturally sound business advice.”
“Hear me now sinful, lustful pornographers, for I have known you since you were in the womb,” Van Gaublin said on his Sunday morning telecast. “As it says in the Book of Ezekiel, ‘on that day thoughts will come into your mind and you will devise an evil scheme.’ Well, it appears on that day, you pornographers came up with just one evil scheme for drawing wicked publicity to your filthy wares — and quite frankly, it’s an evil scheme of which the Lord and I, his humble weekly-televised servant, have grown most weary.”
Peppering his lengthy tirade with quotations from the books of Joel, Daniel and Revelation, Van Gaublin vowed the porn industry would “soon rue the day it committed the sin of sloth in a marketing and promotional context.”
“Remember well Daniel 11:40, all ye gonzo makers,” Van Gaublin warned. “You are just like the king of the north. Even with your many chariots and horsemen, you cannot artificially recreate the scarcity of your product and restore former price points, and no amount of falsely offering employment to shamed famous people will shield your business from the two-horned piracy beast who speaks like a dragon.”
If the adult industry fails to change its publicity-generation tactics, Van Gaublin said most studios risk being “left behind like the faithless on Judgment Day.”
“Just like the fearful, unbelieving, abominable; the murderers and whoremongers; the sorcerers, idolaters and the liars, the painfully unoriginal marketers will assuredly have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone,” Van Gaublin said. “This is the second death. The third death is foreclosure.”
Irritable Angel’s C.V. Joint Norelco, one of several producers who has frequently employed the porn-job-offer publicity stunt, says he has no plans to change course in the future, despite Van Gaublin’s warnings.
“This guy might know his Bible, but he doesn’t know the first thing about the porn business,” Norelco said. “Making these offers doesn’t cost us anything, and even if nobody else gives a shit, TMZ treats each one like it’s a contract offer from the fucking Yankees. If nothing else, we get a little free traffic at the cost of looking like minor dickheads. Has anybody offered this Van Godly guy’s wife a porn gig, by the way? She’s actually kind of hot in a MILFY, backwater-blonde-bimbo kind of way.”
Troy, Mich.-based theologian and Baptist minister Rev. Andrew Martin said while he “mostly concurs” with Van Gaublin’s business advice, he finds it “unseemly to the extreme” for the famous televangelist to offer the benefit of his wisdom to porn purveyors, unless there is some ulterior missionary motive involved.
“All I can think is Jack believes once he has their confidence, he can lead these sinners to the light and get them to stop making porn altogether,” Martin said. “We’re all sick to death of reading half-literate, kick ’em while they’re down open letters to disgraced famous people. If a lack of creativity on the part of pornographers hurts their disgusting trade, people of faith should be praying for them to continue with their ineffectual shock-value tactics, not teaching them how to more profitably trade in the flesh of God’s children.”
Whatever Van Gaublin’s motives might be, his rhetoric suggests his offer is available for a limited time — a limit that may be Apocalyptic in nature.
“Neglect not the gift that is in thee, which was given thee by prophecy,” Van Gaublin said. “Fight the good fight of faith, lay hold on eternal life. And for God’s sake come up with some new ideas before He descends from heaven with a shout, with the voice of the archangel and the trump of God and seriously rips you all a great big new one for boring Him to Lordly tears with bullshit publicity stunts that stopped being even mildly amusing about 30 celebrities ago.”
