RIO DE JANEIRO – In response to his porn star ex-lover posting a picture alleged to be his penis, U.S. Swim Team member Tommy Spitzmuller Jr. has posted a photo of a bowl of mixed nuts, including almonds, peanuts, cashews and walnuts, to various accounts he maintains on several major social media platforms.
Asked why he had posted the picture and whether it was a response to the dick pic posted by Twyla Lynn Chambers, who claims to have been one of Spitzmuller’s many former mistresses, Spitzmuller initially denied any connection. Instead, he claimed the image was part of a new endorsement deal and he’d merely chosen a “creative and different way” of announcing his new sponsor.
“The photo is just a precursor to the formal announcement of my new relationship with the Augusta Nut Company,” Spitzmuller said last week. “The fact there’s a batshit-crazy lady out there claiming to have pictures of my penis she’s posting online is a total coincidence. I would never mock someone who is mentally ill with a picture of nuts. That would be an insult to all the hardworking American nut farmers out there, for whom I have nothing but the utmost respect and admiration.”
Late Friday, however, one of Spitzmuller’s teammates told reporters the picture was “totally about the wacky porn lady,” despite Spitzmuller’s claims to the contrary.
“Tommy just flipped right the fuck out when he saw that pic of his Johnson on Instagram,” said Gunter Benz, a competitor in the 200 meter freestyle. “He really doesn’t want people to know it’s so narrow and weird-looking.”
Benz said Spitzmuller is so self-conscious about the appearance of his penis, he routinely alters images of the now-famous member with Photoshop before sharing them.
“Every time Tommy texts a pic of his cock to a woman — which he does like three times a week, I think — he always fattens it up a bit and covers up some of the weird blemishes using the blur tool,” Benz said. “I guess whether or not she ever really was his lover, this crazy porn lady did get the chance to take an unaltered picture of his schlong, because there’s no way Tommy would have sent it to her unedited of his own volition.”
Late Sunday, Spitzmuller finally admitted the image had nothing to do with a new endorsement deal and apologized to the media for having “misspoken” in his original explanation.
“What I meant to say was I have a great new deal in the works with L-Train Sandwiches, the nation’s fastest growing sandwich shop chain, which I decided to celebrate by noting this woman is a lunatic,” Spitzmuller said in a statement published to his Facebook account. “She may or may not be a lunatic who also has in her possession a picture of my penis, but for now I’m neither confirming nor denying that’s my one-eyed Pete in that photograph.”
Spitzmuller concluded the statement by saying he’d have no further comment on the situation “until the next time someone posts a photograph of something they claim to be my cock.”
Assuming the image is legitimate, Chambers’ posting of it might run afoul of revenge-porn laws, according to purported attorney Ernest S. Hitter, Esq.
“Even if Mr. Spitzmuller originally provided the picture to her willingly, if he didn’t give her permission to publish this intimate photo, Ms. Chambers may have violated the law,” Hitter said. “Even if it isn’t Mr. Spitzmuller’s dong, it’s clearly somebody’s cock — and it shouldn’t be that hard for the cock-owner in question to provide proof of ownership in court, even if they’re wearing pants at the time.”
Attorney Tito Mendacio disagreed with Hitter’s analysis, however, saying Chambers would likely be shielded from liability due to the “public interest factor.”
“The public has an absolute interest in knowing what Spitzmuller’s dick looks like, especially if it really is this freaky, skinny thing we saw posted to Instagram the other day,” Mendacio said. “Among other things, young women have a right to know when they encounter penises in the future whether those penises belong to Spitzmuller. After all, have you seen this Chambers woman? Would you want to fuck or suck a penis which had already been inside her?
“There’s much more at issue here than the privacy of Spitzmuller’s private parts,” Mendacio added. “This is a question of public health and safety.”
No matter how things work out on the legal front, one person who is happy to see Spitzmuller’s dick back in the news is GARISH Entertainment CEO Esteban Harsch, whose studio produced Bracing For Bronze, the 2015 adult video in which Chambers recreated her alleged affair with the swimming champion.
“Bracing For Bronze was our 54th-best-selling celebrity sex tape for the third quarter of 2015, an amazing sales performance that outpaced even our most wildly optimistic projections,” Harsch said. “With Twyla back in the news, we’re getting ready to shoot the sequel, Backdoor Backstroke, in which she’ll recreate what her previous alleged sexual encounter with Tommy would have been like, had Twyla been willing to do anal when we shot the first movie.”
