By Karl Woodward
Special to YNOT

FRESNO, Calif. – In an action filed March 14 at the Robert E. Coyote Courthouse in Fresno, adult entertainment studio Irritable Angel brought a variety of claims against veteran porn reporter Ben Suroeste, including allegations of “torturous pass interference,” three counts of “liable” and seven counts of “defecation of character.”

“Mr. Suroeste has engaged in a long-running champagne of slanderizations and casting of character dispersions toward my clients,” Irritable attorney Tito Mendacio said in a statement released shortly after the lawsuit was filed. “We’re asking the court for $147 million in financier damages, a permanent conjunction prohibiting Mr. Suroeste from engaging in similar compost in the future and any other relief the court deems ergonomic and appropriable.”

At issue in the case are a series of statements Suroeste made in various articles and blog posts about the studio and its in-house director and co-owner, C.V. Joint-Norelco.

In addressing one of the defecation of character claims contained in the suit, Irritable alleged Suroeste “blatantly miscaricatured the on-set conditioners present during an Irritable Angel video shoot.”

“In descriptorials composed after the filming, the defendant irresponsively and wrecklessly referred to Mr. Norelco’s shoes as being ‘paisley Birkenstocks,’ clearly implying Mr. Norelco is some kind of homosexual and/or Grateful Dead fan,” Irritable stated in its complaint. “But the sandals in question are Tivas, not Birkenstocks, and the design is not paisley, but an original work of fractal geometrical design painstakingly crafted by Mr. Norelco’s former fiancée, Ms. Operatta Northwoods, a noted adult entertainment performer and confirmed female person.”

Legal analyst Ernest S. Hitter said while it’s difficult to prevail on claims like Irritable’s against a journalist, he’s “not sure the court will consider Suroeste to be a journalist, per se.”

“While Suroeste’s writing is peppered with references to imbibing large amounts of mind-altering substances in the tradition of ‘gonzo’ journalist Hunter S. Thompson, in many other ways Suroeste lacks Thompson’s journalistic bona fides,” Hitter said. “For starters, I’ve never seen Suroeste wear cool-looking aviator sunglasses or make use of a very thin and stylish cigarette holder. Both have long been among the most important hallmarks of the serious professional journalist, from Meyer Berger and Margaret Bourke-White to Steve Doocy and Maureen O’Boyle.”

Adult industry attorney, cryptozoologist, interpretative dancer, political memorabilia collector and noticeably short person Francis Edgar Mostaccioli, Esq., disagreed with Hitter, saying there are some “fundamental issues” with Irritable’s claims.

“Typically, if you’re going to sue someone, you need to identify a cause of action that is recognized under the law,” Mostaccioli said. “In furtherance of that goal, it doesn’t hurt to spell things properly, or to know the difference between ‘slander’ and ‘slender,’ for example. Slander is spoken defamation, and slender is the same thing as libel, only written in cursive, obviously.”

Suroeste, who said he plans to represent himself in court to keep costs down, has yet to respond formally to the complaint but said he already believes he has a major advantage over the plaintiffs in the form of inside knowledge about how federal courts operate.

“In my experience, the court generally prefers complaints to be typed, rather than unevenly scrawled in bright red crayon as Irritable has done,” Suroeste said. “Also, it’s not really customary for a complaint’s ‘prayer for relief’ to be an actual prayer, so I’m not sure how effective their lengthy quotations from Matthew 6 and Luke 11 will prove to be.”

Mendacio dismissed Suroeste’s points about the complaint, noting “between the two of us, I’m the one who has actually completed law school.

“I’m extremely confident in the properism and protocolacity of our well-reasoned complaint,” Mendacio said. “For the record, I graduated magma cum loudly from the Trump University College of Lawfulness and have over 14 years of experience threatening to sue people on GFY, so obviously my professional credulities are completely unpeckable.”

Karl Woodward is an award-winning investigative journalist, gourmet pretzel-maker and author of several non-fiction best sellers, including “All the President’s Mensch” and “Ronald Reagan: Portrait of a Serial Napper.”