METROPOLIS – In response to the porn industry’s reported intent to stop depicting one of his Justice League peers, a clearly bitter Superman said the smut business should show him the same courtesy.
“I’ve been reading articles this week about the porn industry’s plan to stop distributing Flash videos, and while I’m sure the reason is his low popularity with viewers, I must say for the first time in my life, I’m a bit envious of my fast-running pal,” Superman said. “Every time the porn industry depicts one of us superheroes, we die a little inside. My body might be bulletproof, but my feelings aren’t.”
Superman said he didn’t mind the porn parodies at first, but quickly grew weary of them “after the first 60 or so.”
“It’s not like there’s a lack of superhero options out there for the porn industry to choose from,” Superman noted. “Why not pick on that useless aquatic chump who has been riding my coattails for the last 65 years, or show some real old-school comic savvy and bring the Martian Manhunter into the mix?”
Respected adult film reviewer Rex Rod said although he can understand Superman’s frustration, he doesn’t expect adult filmmakers to back away from depicting the beloved hero in blue videos.
“Even if no new Superman movies or TV shows were to come out for the next two decades, I still think it’s unlikely the porn industry would ever divorce itself entirely from such a well-known symbol of virility,” Rod said. “Plus, his X-ray vision is just way too good a device for a porn director to resist, for obvious reasons.”
Canadian Marvel superhero Wolverine said he has “no sympathy” for Superman, adding the Kryptonian “just needs to suck it up and take it like a Superman.”
“We’re all sick of being depicted in pornos, bub,” Wolverine said. “In one of the X-Men porn parodies, they change my famous skeletal features so instead of metal claws popping out the back of my hand, a big fake cock springs out of my zipper. What have they done to Superman in porn that’s worse than that?”
Wolverine did concede he’s not always so stoic about the way he’s depicted in porn, so perhaps he “shouldn’t be too hard” on Superman about being a bit thin-skinned.
“Sometimes the X-Men porn parodies make me so mad, I end up killing a roomful of ninjas for no good reason,” Wolverine said. “Then again, beer has that effect on me sometimes, too, so maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to blame porn.”
Porn director C.V. Joint Norelco said he “doesn’t get” why Superman is so upset, quoting the old adage that “all publicity is good publicity.”
“Being parodied in porn keeps Superman’s name in the news, keeps him relevant and boosts his social media follower numbers,” Norelco noted. “If I were him, I’d spend more time worrying about Kryptonite and less time worrying about Cocktenite — which is the awesome name I came up with for the substance that rendered him powerless in my 2006 Spanish-language porn parody, Que Esto No Es Superhombre Regresa Tres Equis.”
Another of Superman’s peers, Justice League member Black Lightning, said he thinks his more famous colleague should “look at the bright side” with respect to his porn parody image.
“At least he doesn’t have to deal with the porn industry’s disturbing penchant for relying on vicious racial stereotypes in coming up with ideas for their superhero porn parodies,” Black Lightning said. “I’m just saying, it would be nice if my porno proxies got to fuck something other than blonde chicks with fat asses every so often. Just don’t make it some gay shit with me sucking off the Blue Devil. That’s all I really ask.”
