HOBART, Okla. – According to a new study conducted by sociologists from the University of Oklahoma-Hobart (UOKH), watching pornography together does not make married couples hate each other less and may even encourage them to divorce.
The UOKH researchers analyzed data collected from several thousand couples who were interviewed at two-year intervals over the course of eight years as part of the U.S. Total Mindset Index (TMI) survey, a wide-ranging behavioral and attitudinal survey that covers everything from consumers’ television viewing habits to the average interval of time between their bowel movements.
“The data suggests beginning to watch pornography together between survey waves had a negligible effect on how desperately married women wanted to leave their useless husbands while simultaneously not reducing the degree of sexual desire married men feel for their female coworkers,” said Samuel Thrust, the lead author of the UOKH study. “Our results suggest that watching porn, under any conditions, does not prevent people from despising their spouses, even when the spouse in question is only mildly reprehensible.”
The study, which is not peer reviewed, published or extant in any written form, found younger adults hate their spouses even more than older people.
“Younger Americans tend to watch more porn than older Americans, but also tend to be dumber and less considerate of each other’s feelings, especially when they are younger brides who have chosen to marry older college professors who reside in Oklahoma,” Thrust observed. “Can you believe she left me for Neil Foreman from the fucking humanities department? Of all the bullshit areas of study in which to find a man. Couldn’t she at least have dumped me for a geologist?”
According to the study, devoutly religious couples appear less likely to experience an increase in hatred for each other as a result of watching pornography, but they are more likely to hate themselves.
“For many Christian men, their first exposure to pornography is equal parts traumatic and alluring,” said Marcus Moughdyver, another of the researchers on Thrust’s team. “While they do typically become aroused, they’ve also been trained to think of sexual desire as a tool of the devil, leaving them in the awkward position of wanting to call out an exorcist to banish their own erection.”
The research team also showed the probability of divorce dropped significantly for men whose wives stopped watching porn in between research waves, although there is some disagreement between the researchers as to how this decline in probability should be interpreted.
“My speculation is instead of continuing to watch porn, the wives who stop watching porn have started fucking someone from the humanities department instead,” opined Thrust. “Just because they didn’t file for divorce between 2006 and 2014 doesn’t mean they aren’t going to suddenly leave you this year, abandoning everything you’ve worked so hard to build together, the heartless bitches.”
Moughdyver disagreed, however, saying just because a woman stops watching porn with you doesn’t mean she’s engaging in an affair on the side.
“My wife cheats on me all the time, and we’ve never watched porn together, let alone stopped watching it together,” Moughdyver said. “So, clearly there’s no direct causality, at least when we view these two variables in isolation. What we haven’t looked at is the possibility of a strong correlation between abstaining from porn viewing and subsequently having sex with professorial dweebs who walk around misquoting Shakespeare, because they’re too dense to realize they’ve conflated King Lear with Harry Potter.”
Karl Comte, a sociologist from the University of Nebraska at Oklahoma-Sucks (UNOS) expressed skepticism concerning the UKOH research team’s conclusions, saying the causes of divorce are “much too varied and nuanced to be distilled to a single cause — especially by a couple of substandard professors from Oklahoma who exhibit clear signs of Borderline Personality Disorder.”
“I wouldn’t count on Thrust and Moughdyver to be able to determine what mechanism causes the overhead lighting in their offices to suddenly illuminate, much less come to any reliable conclusion as to factors that influence divorce rates,” Comte said. “One of their wives recently left him for a humanities professor, for God’s sake. What does that say about how much he knows about what keeps married women happy? Maybe instead of demanding that she watch gonzo porn with him, he should have tried booking her the occasional nice visit to a day spa, or taken her shopping more than once a decade? Just a thought.”
While they’re aware their conclusion likely will be cited as more evidence of porn’s detrimental impact on relationships by anti-porn activists, Thrust said he and his colleagues “do not have an anti-pornography agenda.”
“None of us is on a moral crusade or trying to encourage a ban on pornography,” Thrust said. “It’s too late for that, anyway. A couple weeks back I shot surreptitious video of my ex sucking off that Foreman douchebag, and it’s pretty clear she’s already mastered all of Jada Stevens’ moves.”
