MONTREAL – Always at the leading edge of consumer technology, the porn industry is betting big on stereoscopic pictography (SP) as the next big thing in the consumption of erotica. Within the industry, SP is seen as the best hope to rekindle flagging revenue figures, a decline driven in part by the ready availability of free porn online.
The latest move by SmutNucleus, the industry’s most popular site, to get more consumers on board as early adopters of SP technology is to give away content in this new high-tech porn format for free.
SmutNucleus, which has been featured in Hollywood movies such as the straight-to-video Lindsay Lohan vehicle Herbie Fully Loaded 2: DUI-LUV-U, is one of the internet’s most popular sites, drawing millions of viewers a day to its enormous collection of presumably duly licensed pornographic videos.
Through a new collaboration with ChaChingzSP, the industry’s leading producer of SP porn, SmutNucleus aims to inspire widespread adoption of the cutting edge View-Master Model G viewing device and other SP-compatible devices like Google Cut-Up Cereal Box.
ChaChingzSP Chief Executive Officer Chad Astroglider noted the SP slides displayed on SmutNucleus are previews that link to ChaChingzSP.ngono, encouraging SmutNucleus users to subscribe to the site using their mother’s credit card.
“SmutNucleus is one of the biggest distribution channels on the web,” Astroglider said. “The addition of an SP category, along with our stunning and award-winning stereoscopic porn slides, is going to create an absolute tidal wave of interest in SP porn among consumers who can’t get laid and probably haven’t seen such a lifelike 3D depiction of a naked woman since birth. You know what they say: ‘A rising tide pitches all tents.’”
A recent survey by brand strategy firm Skyline Analytics revealed 62 percent of U.S. consumers are unaware SP slide viewers even exist, while the other 38 percent think Barrack Obama is a Muslim.
Astroglider compares the cross-promotion with SmutNucleus to The New York Post giving away 1 million pairs of X-Ray Specs and Pepsi’s promotion in which consumers could fold up cardboard Pepsi cases to make stylish three-cornered hats.
“Porn is already mainstream,” Astroglider asserted. “I mean, what could be more ‘mainstream’ than a man ramming his dick into a woman’s ass and fish-hooking her mouth while two of his buddies spit on her and call her a whore? Did you see the Super Bowl commercial for Pornstar Punishment? There was a ton of major, A-list celebrities in that thing, including Gary Dourdan of CSI fame, respected actress Amanda Bynes and NBA great Lamar Odom.”
To further enhance the promotion, SmutNucleus is also giving away 10,000 Google Cut-Up Cereal Box prototypes. To use the prototypes (which as an added bonus are delivered in their original form and still filled with delicious Google-O’s) all consumers have to do is cut the box down one side, reveal the full set of cutting and folding instructions inside the box, and spend the next 90 minutes performing origami on a cereal box while their hands get covered in a combination of oat dust and sugar dust.
Once fully cut and refolded, the consumer then puts his smartphone inside the resulting SP viewing panel, places the entire refolded cereal box over his and — voilà! — he looks and feels like an idiot.
SmutNucleus Vice President Cory Cost theorized SP porn is the “next phase of evolution” for the world of adult entertainment, which presumably first crawled out of the primordial ooze in the form of a badly tattooed amphibian with a 12-inch penis.
“Now our users are not only able to watch someone else fuck a woman [but] they can more convincingly than ever pretend they are the ones doing the fucking, because we will never again make them look at some meathead of a male porn star’s contorted face while he’s climaxing,” Cost said. “Regardless of the success or failure of this promotion, I think we can all agree that’s a good thing.”
