CHATSWORTH, Calif. – In a stunning and somewhat embarrassing turn of events, adult webmaster message board SMH announced today it has begun the process of recalculating all votes for the 2014 edition of the SMH Awards, saying a “severe corruption of data resulted in the wrong companies and individuals receiving 2014 honors.”
“We apologize for any inconvenience this causes, but we must request all winners of 2014 SMH Awards immediately return their statues and remove all ‘2014 SMH Award Winner’ banners from their websites pending a comprehensive and accurate recount of the 2014 vote,” a statement posted to the SMH website noted. “In order to ensure the credibility and esteem of our awards, we need to be certain they were issued to the correct advertisers recipients.”
MondoMegaKris, an account representative for XXXMondoMegaMoneyCash and winner of the 2014 SMH Award for Most Irritating ICQ Presence said he’s “shocked, dismayed, flummoxed and fucked-with” over the announcement.
“For two years now, I’ve been proudly displaying my award in my cubicle and bragging to all my coworkers about how my ICQ relationships are the core of my sales success,” Kris said. “Now they tell me I wasn’t the real winner and I have to return the statue. I just feel so empty inside. I mean, if we can’t rely on the competence of the anonymous vote counters and/or algorithms of SMH, I ask you, on whom — or perhaps what — can we rely?”
Other 2014 winners expressed similar sentiments, with the irascible XXXPete (winner of the 2014 honor for Best Confession of a Felony Still Within its Statute of Limitations) summing up the reaction of his peers in a forum thread entitled simply “WTF, SMH?”
“What a horrible way to end a beautiful morning of eating buckwheat pancakes off the naked backs of Venezuelan hookers,” XXXPete posted. “Even if I hadn’t melted down the award to make rad-looking coke razors out of it, I wouldn’t give it back to you assholes if you put a gun to my head — unless you’re hiring right now. Are you hiring right now?”
Several highly motivated SMH users are investigating the possible existence of a vast conspiracy, perhaps perpetrated by the Illuminati, Barrack Obama and/or HobbyLobby.
“This has all the earmarks, harbingers and telltale signs of a ‘false flag’ operation,” posted Wedespisesmut, an SHM user with a long history of exposing massive governmental conspiracies like the lunar landing hoax, 9/11 being an inside job and the Dept. of Education using the tetanus vaccine to cause irritable bowel syndrome. “I’ve been reviewing the footage of the 2014 awards show itself, and it’s quite clear some of the alleged award recipients are merely crisis actors recast in the role of SMH award winners.
“Also, I couldn’t help but notice what looked like the upper-case letters F and E on some guy’s T-shirt,” Wedespisesmut added. “I suppose the rest of the shirt could say something else, but most likely this indicates he was from FEMA and attended the show just in case he needed to set up an impromptu death camp right there on the spot, presumably with the full cooperation and complicity of SMH.”
SMH owner Pablo Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious denied any complicity in the 2014 awards mishap on the part of SMH “employees, agents or assigns.”
“It’s ridiculous to say we would sabotage our own awards,” Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious said. “This just makes us look incompetent, which we aren’t. We’re a bit lazy at times, sure, and maybe somewhat dumb when it comes to the employees we keep stashed away in certain remote recesses of our offices, but I assure you we are in full and total control of our bladders at all times.”
SMH requested all 2014 SMH Award winners return their statues to the company’s Chatsworth, Calif., offices. They further requested recipients wait until Friday, Dec. 11, to get the SMH address from the company’s website or domain registration records, in order to allow the staff time to repair a series of inexplicable typos currently indicating the company’s offices are located at 69 Penne Pasta Ave., Chatboard, Cauliflower.
