VENTURA, Calif. – According to a new survey conducted by a national polling group, almost one in five pornographers is addicted to prayer. Another 14 percent admitted to having read passages from the Bible or other holy scripture of a non-Christian religion within the past 30 days.
In nationwide survey of 1,300 self-identified pornographers, a California-based firm called Dinosaurio Morado Group (DMG) took measure of the spiritual beliefs and practices of smut-peddlers. The researchers asked how often each respondent attends church, prays, proselytizes to their neighbors, listens to old Creed records or engages in other indicators of religiosity.
Lead DMG researcher Marianne Fikkal said she was “astonished and baffled” by the results of the survey.
“When you think of pornographers, spirituality isn’t the first thing that comes to mind,” Fikkal said. “Sure, we expected to hear some of them looked at the Kama Sutra every so often for inspiration, but the number of truly committed babe-and-Bible-bangers definitely took our research team by surprise. So did the level and nature of their tithing, which apparently often includes bringing porn stars to church picnics as ‘sponsored prostitutes’ who then provide their services free of charge, evidently as a deterrent designed to keep porn-obsessed pastors away from attractive young parishioners.”
While she conceded phone surveys might not be the most accurate or reliable means of gathering data about religiosity among pornographers, Fikkal said the reasonably large respondent pool and carefully crafted questions enhance her confidence in the results.
“We didn’t just call up a bunch of pornographers and ask them if they believe in God or whether they attend church regularly,” she said. “We used questions specifically designed to assure complete clarity in both the answer and the response, like ‘On a scale of 3.7 to 19.4, how would you not rate your level of absolute or partial devotion to Krishna?’ Another one was ‘What would Jesus do: meth or laundry?’ This way, we know we’re getting solid results, not responses where the person is trying to guess what they’re ‘supposed’ to say in order to sound spiritually devoted.”
One of the survey respondents willing to speak on the record, veteran porn producer Skidley Rott, said while he doesn’t often talk about his spirituality with his friends in the adult industry, he might start doing so now that he knows he’s “not alone.”
“I’ve always figured most of my peers are Godless heathens, so it’s good to know so many of them are at least pretending to be Christian,” Rott said. “This is how I got my start, too. I figured all those church potlucks, bake sales and car washes would be a great place to meet desperate, bored, undersexed Christian chicks. Before I knew it, though, I was involved in a highly personal relationship with someone a lot more understanding, forgiving and hot: my lord and savior, Jesus H. Christ.”
Not everyone is sold on the sincerity of Rott’s Christian beliefs, however, including his long-time production assistant and sidekick, Scotty “Rugburn” Withers.
“I love Skid and all, but the guy’s always working some kind of angle when it comes to the ladies,” Withers said. “Honestly, I don’t think he’s ever even cracked the cover of a Bible. Just last Sunday, he came back from church telling me how I needed to check out the ‘Book of Dookie-Onomy,’ which he identified as being in the ‘Gold Testament.’ When I pointed out neither of those is an actual thing, he just shrugged and texted a picture of his cock to his ex-wife, which doesn’t seem like a particularly Christian thing to do.”
Rott denied Withers’s claim and reiterated his intense interest what appears to be more nonexistent scripture.
“Scotty’s just pissed because he’s still stuck in his negative, porno-atheist mindset,” Rott said. “What he needs is to spend some time contemplating the message delivered in the Book of Galaga, which, of course, was written by the greatest of all the twelve Epistles, Paul McCartney.”
Freelance journalist, adult industry analyst and host of the “Top O’ The Pornin’ To You” podcast Germane Mulligan said he finds the conclusions of the survey “dubious, at best.”
“I’ve been kicking around the porn industry for a long, long time, and in my experience, most pornographers don’t find Jesus until after they’ve left the industry, or at least been busted for DUI and/or defaulted on payments to their affiliates,” Mulligan said. “More often though, they opt for a new career in making quasi-autobiographical movies which exaggerate their own importance in developing the industry they’ve just fled, or claim to have become ‘consultants,’ because that sure sounds a lot better than admitting they’ve moved back in with their parents until the suspension of their driver’s license has expired.”
