By Abigail Cuthbert
Special to YNOT

RAY CITY, Ga. – While the many horrors and evils of pornography are obvious to people of true faith like me, I realize not everyone has been blessed by almighty God with the ability to so quickly recognize the earthly tools of Satan, like pornography, rap ‘music,’ and MSNBC.

I also know even though the Bible is the only reliable source of absolute truth, some people just can’t be persuaded by sound religious reasoning when it comes to things like why they should never watch porn, vote for anyone named Hillary, or read books about wizard-children.

This is why I’ve recently become familiar with the science of pornography addiction, which has conclusively proven watching porn makes your brain shrink, causes men’s penises to be unable to produce more of God’s children and functions exactly like heroin addiction, regardless of what so-called “neurologists” might say to the contrary.

Just so we’re clear, while it’s important to understand the scientists I agree with about the negative effects of porn addiction are 100-percent right in their conclusions, it’s also crucial to realize many other scientists, especially those who promote liberal lies like evolution, climate change and geology, are completely, inarguably, Godlessly wrong.

How can I tell the difference between scientists who are wrong and scientists who are right?

That’s easy: When a scientist’s conclusions match things I already know to be true, then clearly he is telling the truth. If a scientist asserts things that don’t sound right to me — like the ridiculous idea the Grand Canyon was formed over millions of years, when we all know God didn’t create the world more than 7,500 years ago — then clearly he’s wrong.

I know what you politically correct liberal types are thinking: Why do I assume the scientist is a “he?” Well, for starters, I know the only reason women are able to become scientists is affirmative action, so I don’t pay any attention to things female scientists say — unless of course I agree with their conclusions, in which case I assume there’s a male scientist behind the scenes who’s actually in charge and the only reason a woman’s name was put on the published study was to make sure the New York Times would quote it.

Another easy way to determine whether a scientist is telling the truth is to look at the schools with which he’s associated. While it’s not a hard -and-fast rule, institutions with words like “Technology” or “Berkeley” or “Harvard” in them generally can’t be trusted, while those associated with terms like “Divinity” or “Nazarene” or “Oral Roberts” produce all kinds of reliable scientific and theological research.

Naturally, it’s safe to assume any study quoted in the Huffington Post is complete bunk — unless it’s a study that says bad things about pornography, in which case Huffpo probably only mentioned it in order to make fun of it, or to claim it’s contradicted by research from the University of Harvard Technology at Berkeley.

My pastor is a little worried about my exploration of porn addiction science, saying he’s concerned about the corrupting influence of science in general, even on someone who is as strong in her faith as I am. I tell him not worry, though, because I can see right through all the made-up nonsense about monkey DNA and fanciful “satellites” that supposedly beam us photographs of our allegedly round planet, leaving behind only good science, like archaeological discoveries that prove beyond a doubt Noah’s ark ultimately ran aground in the country we now call Turkey.

From now on, when skeptics question whether porn addiction is real, or question whether it is caused by Satan, or are actively encouraged by leaders of the Democratic Party as part of its ongoing attempt to enslave free Christians as part of the New World Order, I will confront them not only with the Sword of Faith, but the Crossbow of Selective Scientific Belief, as well.

God willing, this combination of science and faith will enable me to work real miracles — like inventing a cure for atheism, or maybe even convincing my teenage son to stop downloading Overwatch porn and do his chores.

Abigail Cuthbert is president and co-founder of the Ray City, Ga., Chapter of the Free Righteous United Intelligent Trustworthy Caring Americans Killing Exploitation (FRUITCAKE), the anti-porn organization formerly known as the National Unitarian Temple for Justice Optimism and Brotherhood (NUTJOB).