SALT LAKE CITY, Utah – Local authorities are denying reports from global media outlets concerning an alleged raid on an adult movie shoot at a Salt Lake City church, saying they believe the reports may be part of a campaign of “reputation terrorism” directed at the state of Utah by “out of state liberal rabble-rousers.”
According to the Times of India website, the raid took place at a popular venue for Mormon wedding ceremonies called “Dishari,” which according to something I just read out of an old, sweat-stained baseball cap is an ancient Hohokam Indian word meaning “the Savior slept here.”
“We have no idea where these reports are coming from, but I can tell you with complete confidence there have been no raids on so-called ‘porn sets’ conducted here in Salt Lake, recent or otherwise,” said Lt. Chelsea Jenks, director of public relations for the Salt Lake City Police Department. “Also, there is no place in Salt Lake, or anywhere in all of Utah, called ‘The Sharia,’ nor would we allow people to get married inside of it if there were.”
Jenks also denied there being anyone employed by the SLCPD named Kankar Prasad Barui, whom the Times identified as a “top police officer.”
“Frankly, I think the whole trumped-up porn story is just part of an outrageous smear campaign directed at our state and funded by a bunch of Godless liberals who live in certain parts of San Francisco that shares the name of a reviled Cuban dictator, if you know what I mean,” Jenks said.
Asked which part of the Bay Area is known as the “Batista District,” Jenks sighed and abruptly hung up the phone, later declining further comment via email.
Latter-day Saints Church officials also denied knowledge of the raid, saying “if any such filth were being made inside the hallowed ground of one of our temples, you better believe we’d shut it down long before the police were needed.”
“Our facilities are used strictly for church-sanctioned activities like weddings, worship services and maybe the occasional bake sale,” said Church Elder Timothy Manson. “And besides, from what you just said, the facility was only paid 7,500 rupees, which is maybe a hundred bucks. Even if we did accept foreign currency, you better believe use of even our most humble facilities is going to run you significantly more than that. Don’t take my word for it; ask my neighbor Bob Bednar or any of his fathers-in-law.”
Asked about Jenks’s theory concerning residents of San Francisco leading a conspiracy against Utah, Manson said “nothing would surprise me when it comes to those folks.”
“You’re talking about a bunch of people who just can’t accept it’s not just good sense but God’s law that marriage be between one man and one woman,” Manson said, “And yes, historically speaking, God did once say it was OK for marriage to be between one man and several women, some of them teenagers, ideally, but never blessed marriage between two men or two women. That’s 100-percent for sure.”
Allen Kimball, executive director of the LGBT activist group For Real, Fuck Regressive Utah (FRFRU) called Keens’s notion that people in San Francisco have made Utah the subject of a smear campaign “exactly the sort of delusional ramblings you’d expect from someone living in the state time forgot.”
“At FRFRU, we preach love, acceptance, tolerance and community,” Kimball said. “Only a stupid, hateful, bigoted Mormon would think we have anything against a great place like Utah, even if it is a smelly, boring place entirely populated by fascist, homophobic religious extremists.”
Porn director Skidley Rott said while he’s not aware that any of his fellow pornographers were raided this week, let alone raided in Utah, making porn in an LDS temple, or any other manner of religious facility, is a “fucking awesome idea.”
“Duuuude,” Rott said. “Can you imagine how much free publicity you’d get? I’m seriously going to do this — but not in an LDS temple, because that’s been done now. I’m thinking a Wahabbi mosque in Saudi Arabia. If we get caught, what’s the worst that could happen? They don’t even have OSHA standards in Riyadh, right?”
