Warning: Satire ahead.
LOS ANGELES – While I enjoy taking cheap shots at them as much as the next guy, I’ll readily admit to knowing almost nothing about the Kardashian clan, other than the patriarch of the family was once a close friend of OJ Simpson’s, and later became a transgender decathlete, or a paid spokesperson for Wheaties, or maybe both.
Later, long after Simpson was acquitted, one of the female Cardsharkian kids apparently got famous for making a sex tape. Then she got even more famous from doing some reality TV show, until finally she got to fame’s top level by marrying a very popular rapper and/or basketball player, whose name is either K Diddley Doo, or Lamar Tristan, or maybe Puffy West-Odom, I forget which.
Anyway, since I’ve never watched any of the reality shows featuring the Kurganians, I don’t pay much attention to them when they’re not on TV, either. Hell, if it weren’t for Google news alerts letting me know every time some so-called “entertainment journalist” or celebrity blog-running dickwad uses the word “porn” in a sentence, I might not even know a male Kordovian child exists.
Now that I do know he exists though, the more I read about this “Rob” guy, the more convinced I am I’ve been pronouncing the family’s last name incorrectly; it’s clearly Scardooshian, not Scardashian.
Whether Rob’s little Instagram stunt fits California’s definition of “revenge porn” or not (and at least one lawyer with relevant experience said it may not), it’s a total dick move. About the only way it’s not a total dick move is if this whole thing is a big publicity stunt in preparation for marketing some bullshit product with their kid’s name on it, and this Blac Chyna chick is a willing participant in the scheme.
(If this was done with Chyna’s permission, it’s still a douche move, of course, but less of a dick move than if she’s an unwitting victim of a petulant quasi-celebrity’s emotional outburst.)
Just as an aside, am I the only one who thinks “Blac Chyna” sounds like a cheap knockoff of a designer opioid? For that matter, since when does “China White” mean something other than extremely pure heroin?
I tell you, the kids these days just have no respect for the English language or all the pain and suffering their elders went through to give seriously unhealthy drugs cool-sounding names to help them sell better on the black market.
At any rate, even if Coach Tarkanian doesn’t go to jail or pay a small fine for posting explicit pictures of Navy Blue Hong Kong, she could still sue his ass in civil court, or take it up in family court, or maybe even the People’s Court, assuming someone can sufficiently reanimate Judge Wapner’s corpse and convince it to take the case.
“I am exploring all legal remedies and protections available to my client at this time in attempts to best advise her on how she may want to proceed,” said Chyna’s attorney, Walter Mosley. (No, not that Walter Mosley. This Walter Mosley.)
I must say, this whole thing only gets more confusing to me as I read further into it. On top of two guys named Walter Mosley, beyond Ras Alghulian and his aggrieved ex-girlfriend/revenge porn victim Charcoal Grey Myanmar, there’s some goofball in the mix who calls himself “Tyga” and another chick named “Amber Rose” — who is not to be confused with Kristina Rose, who may also be involved, for all I know.
I’m telling you, even if I weren’t extremely high on a bunch of different pills Tiger Woods endorses, I think I’d be hard-pressed to keep tabs on Rob, Ron, ROM, Kim, Khris, Kortknie, Kerstihn, Kylee, Kyrie, Conan and the rest of these fucking Psychlodashians.
On the bright side, if this Rob douchebag does wind up doing time for posting explicit pictures of his ex, I suppose then it will be a whole lot easier for film crews to “keep up” with him — which is what this stupid Haberdashian reality TV show is supposed to be about in the first place, right?
Image: promo material for the E! Entertainment Network‘s short-lived reality show Rob & Chyna.
